Ah, New Year's Resolutions – those grand declarations you make as the calendar turns, full of hope and often, let's be honest, a dose of delusion. They're like those shiny gym memberships that gather dust come February. 

I always found it interesting how we give January “goals” a special name. We label these promises with the magic of 'new beginnings', hoping that this time, somehow, things will be different.

But here’s the thing: words are just words unless they’re fueled by genuine intent and followed by action. And let’s not kid ourselves, our track record for sticking to these resolutions is about as reliable as a chocolate teapot.

So, what gives? Why the habitual flop with New Year's Resolutions?

The answer lies in a hidden battle that provokes our identity every time we pen down a new goal. It's an internal tug-of-war, a clash between who we are and who we aspire to be.

Setting a goal isn't just a matter of willpower; it's about navigating an identity crisis.

Every resolution you make nudges you into unfamiliar territory, a no-man's-land between your current self and the imagined, 'better' version of yourself. 

It's uncomfortable, uncharted, and frankly, a bit scary. It's similar to deciding to build your own business. The dream of being your own boss is enticing, but facing the realities of the risks, hard work, and potential for failure; either motivates you to change or reminds you to stick with your day job.

In this newsletter, I’m diving into the complex relationship between your self-identity and resolutions; goals of any kind, for any time of year. Stick to the end where I have 7 tips to finally succeed.

I'll cover why these pledges often end up as nothing more than whispers lost in the winds of our daily lives, what we’re up against (a hint, “you”), and what you can do to win yourself over more of the time to make good on your promises to yourself.

_{My Tale of Two Identities}

Years ago, in between grad school, I found myself drifting off my health-conscious path, unknowingly adopting my roommate’s nightly snack-fests. It was subtle, a few extra pounds here, a size up there.

But when a trusted friend from my 'fit' past pointed out my weight gain out of genuine concern, it hit me head-on. Suddenly I could see the imposter in the mirror.

My response? Lightning fast. Three months and the weight was history.

My new colleagues, who only knew “upsized” me, thought I'd gone to extremes. They actually sat me down for an intervention because of how fast the weight came off. They didn’t know the “before” me. They couldn't see the return journey to my “truer” self I was more attached to.

Contrast this with my roommate, whose battle with the scale was a long-standing saga. Her narrative was very different from mine. While my identity was intertwined with fitness and health, hers seemed to orbit around an endless struggle with weight.

And before you think I had access to some vegan keto intermittent fasting macrobiotic health hack at my fingertips, it was 2001… and I was far from vegan then, I thought fasting was something for religious groups and I never even heard of macrobiotics.

So the only “hack” I knew was consuming healthy food, not overeating, and moderate exercise (which by the way still works) just sayin’.

It’s also worth noting – I'm no “Goal Guru”… YET. There are still achievements I've yet to unlock, a topic for another day.

So what gives?

The Puzzle of Personal Struggles and Identity

Different Battles, Same War: Why did it take me only months to achieve what others have struggled with for years? It boils down to our internal struggles and how they align with our self-identity.

• Her Battle: For my friend, losing weight felt like losing a part of her identity. It was a clash between her desire for change and her self-perception.

• My Confrontation: For me, the weight gain was a deviation from who I identified as. Losing weight wasn't just about health; it was about returning to my sense of self.

At first glance, my words might paint “identity” as a sort of cage you’re trapped in.

But consider this – Maybe it feels like a cage because we unknowingly lock ourselves in, resisting the freedom found in understanding its real purpose in our lives.

The Identity Behind Our Actions

This tale of two paths leads us to a crucial understanding of New Year's resolutions and change. 

You often set goals:

• Fitness targets

• Career aspirations

• Financial Objectives

• Relationship Enhancements

• Personal Growth Endeavors

All good stuff

But your resolutions become empty promises, not because you are lazy or aren’t cut out for it but because:

• they clash with your deeply ingrained self-identity.

• The subconscious mind works tirelessly to maintain the status quo of you, reinforcing habits and perceptions you’ve internalized over time.

• Drastic changes, like resolutions, can feel like threats to your identity.

• Threats to your identity lead to resistance and eventual abandonment of your goals.

Identity: The Anchor in Our Personal Battles

The Role of Identity in Change When our actions drift us away from our core identity, it creates an internal conflict. This struggle is often a necessary catalyst for change.

• Personal Alignment
  In my case, reverting to my fit self was aligned with my identity. This alignment made the change less of a battle and more of a necessity.

The Building Blocks of Self-Identity

Self-identity shapes who we are and how we show up in the world. But what in the world shapes our identity?

1. Formation Through Experiences: Our life events, both triumphs and trials, mold our perception of self.

2. Influence of Environment: Family, culture, and social circles provide the backdrop for our identity formation, influencing our beliefs and values.

3. Habits and Behaviors: The actions we repeat become ingrained in our identity, shaping and reinforcing certain aspects of who we are.

External and Internal Influences on Identity

1. Feedback and Reflection: The way others perceive and respond to us affects our self-view. This feedback loop can either reinforce or challenge aspects of our identity.

2. Personal Beliefs and Values: These core elements, shaped by culture, religion, and personal experiences, form the backbone of our identity, guiding our choices and actions.

3. Cognitive Processes: Our thinking patterns, information processing, and problem-solving skills contribute significantly to our identity, shaping our worldview.

4. Emotional Responses: How we handle emotions contributes to our identity, defining our personality traits and emotional intelligence. This includes how we adapt to and perceive physical changes or challenges.

Understanding Self-Identity as a Navigational Tool

Your Inner GPS: Often, we view self-identity as unchangeable, yet it's more like a GPS set on autopilot:

1. It's been following a programmed route, based on past inputs and experiences.

2. Rerouting Challenges: Trying to change direction while on autopilot feels like facing a glitch in the system.
   It's because this internal GPS is programmed to follow the familiar path, making new directions feel like errors or wrong turns.

When you're aligned with your current path, this autopilot feels right.

But the moment you crave change, it becomes a hindrance, making you feel stuck in a loop.

Take for example your roles in your youth

Reflecting on Early Identities: Think back to your school days. What role did you play? The class clown, the peacemaker, the rebel, or perhaps the overachiever? Each role, whether by choice or circumstance (good or bad), carved out a distinct identity for you.

The Power of Role Identification: Wearing this role during your upbringing gave you more than just a label. It gave you a sense of belonging, recognition, and even comfort. For instance, being the rebel was challenging but it still fulfilled a need and offered up a unique sense of place and purpose.

The Comfort and Limitation of Early Labels

Safety in Familiarity: These early identities shaped how others saw you and how you interacted with the world. They brought predictability and a sense of security, even if they were not entirely positive.

Outgrowing Early Roles: As you grow and evolve, these once empowering roles can start to feel constricting. What used to be a source of strength may begin to feel like a straightjacket, limiting your growth and expression.

So why don't you drop the label if this is the case?  

Why We Resist Inner Change

• The Fear of Losing Ourselves: At the root of our resistance to change is a deep subconscious fear of losing our current identity.
  It's a defense mechanism, ensuring we stick to the familiar.

• Vulnerability in Transition: Altering our self-identity is like a snake shedding its old skin - necessary for growth but leaving us feeling exposed and uncertain about the future.

• The Protector Within: Our subconscious mind acts as a guardian, often holding us back in the name of safety and comfort.

_{Sneaky ways resistance to change hide in plain sight} 

1. Blaming Life Circumstances: One common excuse is attributing resistance to change to unfavorable life circumstances.

   People often claim that their current situation—be it financial constraints, family responsibilities, or lack of opportunities—prevents them from making changes.

   This mindset conveniently shifts the focus away from self-accountability and onto external factors that are seemingly beyond control.

2. The Excuse of External Judgment: You frequently blame external judgments or perceived societal expectations as the reasons for feeling stuck and unable to change.

   It's an easy out, a convenient scapegoat that absolves us of responsibility.

3. Dwelling on Past Experiences: Another subtle form of resistance is the tendency to dwell on past experiences, using them as justifications for inaction.

   People might say things like, “I’ve always been this way because of what happened to me in the past.”

   This mindset traps them in a cycle of reliving old narratives, hindering progress and growth.

4. Waiting for the 'Right Time': Many individuals use the excuse of waiting for the 'right time' to make changes.

   This delay tactic is often rooted in fear of the unknown or discomfort with the idea of stepping out of their comfort zone.

   By convincing themselves that the timing isn't right, they can comfortably cling to their current identity without facing the challenges of change.

This blame game serves a dual purpose:

1. it buys us time
   and, more insidiously

2. reinforces our reasons for resisting change

Blaming Others – A Comfortable Trap: Blaming the “others” for our inability to change is a comfort zone. It allows us to avoid the discomfort of self-reflection and the hard work of transformation.

Defending the Status Quo: In defending your current identity, you find yourself stuck in a cycle of self-justification. You hold onto the familiar, even when it no longer serves you because it's easier than facing the unknown.

The Result – Staying the Same: Whether you defend your current role or blame external factors, the outcome is the same – you remain unchanged.

Navigating the Maze of Comfort and Change

Your comfort zone, while familiar, can often hold you back, hindering your growth. Recognizing this is the first step to break free.

As you learn to identify and embrace change, whether it's adopting new traits or shedding old ones, you'll find the strength to step out of these confines.

Resistance to change, though it might offer temporary comfort, ultimately hinders your growth and keeps you from exploring the full potential of who you could become.

Opening Doors to Transformation

Confronting internal conflicts head-on is your ticket to genuine change. It involves moving past the comfort zone of excuses and self-justifications and stepping into a world of self-awareness and active change.

• From Comfort to Courage: Challenging your old identity requires bravery. It means facing the unknown and embracing the discomfort that comes with growth.

• Proactive Change: It's about taking command of your life like a captain of a ship, so every part of you is equally on board in times of smooth sailing or rough waters. By actively engaging with your inner struggles, you set the stage for real, lasting change.

Getting beyond the “self” Identity

In some spiritual circles, there's talk of transcending the ego, of reaching a state of 'no identity.'

Newsflash: the very pursuit of being 'identity-less' becomes its own identity.

It’s an inescapable fact that as conscious beings, we carry a sense of self, an identity that guides us through life's maze.

But this inescapable nature of self-identity isn’t a trap; it’s a treasure trove.

By understanding and embracing your self-identity, you:

1. unlock the power to use it to your advantage

2. by aligning your actions, goals, and dreams with who you truly are

3. which leads to a more authentic and fulfilling life

7 Steps to Navigating Self-Identity and Goals

So, when it comes to achieving new and lasting goals, where do you start?

1. Identify Core Beliefs:

   Dig deep to uncover the beliefs at the core of your self-identity.

   Focus on what you can 'gain' that aligns with these beliefs, rather than what you're 'losing'.

2. Small, Incremental Changes:

   Introduce manageable changes that resonate with your identity.

   This approach helps avoid overwhelming your system and maintains a sense of continuity.

3. Consistent Reflection:

   Regularly check in with yourself to assess how these changes make you feel.

   Reinforce positive outcomes and adjust as necessary.

4. Community and Support:

   Surround yourself with a network that reflects and supports the identity you aspire to embody.

   Remember that we mimic strong personalities and are influenced by our environment.

5. Aligning Actions with Beliefs:

   Ensure that your daily actions are in sync with your core beliefs.

   This alignment creates momentum towards your goals, making your journey feel more natural.

6. Setting Realistic Goals:

   Define goals that are realistic and achievable, considering your current lifestyle and commitments.

   This prevents discouragement and maintains motivation.

7. Celebrating Progress:

   Acknowledge and celebrate each small victory along the way.

   This fosters a positive mindset and reinforces the value of your efforts.

Understanding that your self-identity is a dynamic interplay of internal traits and external influences empowers you to actively shape it.

By being aware of your environment, habits, responses, and the communities you engage with, you can guide your identity toward a truer reflection of yourself.

This mindful approach sets the foundation for achieving goals that resonate deeply with who you are and who you aspire to become.

The Journey from Role to Reality

Transitioning from a fixed role to a well-rounded individual is more than empowering; it's transformative.

You're not just shedding an outdated persona; you're stepping into a space where the full spectrum of your capabilities and desires gets to shine.

It's a journey where every discovery about yourself adds another layer to your unique story.

Beyond the Old Image: This isn't about discarding your past. It's about weaving those experiences into a richer, more nuanced understanding of who you are.

Embracing Complexity: Each part of your personality, every talent and skill you have, adds depth to your character. It's about piecing together these elements to form a complete picture.

Let’s Recap & Wrap it Up

My Real-Life Example

The Wake-up Call: A comment and some photos made me see the disparity between my actions and my fitness-oriented identity.

The Swift Shift: I realigned my habits with my true self, and the transformation followed.

The Contrast: My journey was starkly different from my friend's, whose identity wasn’t tied to fitness.

Beyond Superficiality: Initially, our identity might be shaped by surface-level desires, like vanity in physical fitness. However, these can evolve to reflect deeper values, such as health and longevity.

My Fitness Journey: For me, the journey began with a focus on physical appearance. Over time, this aligned more closely with my broader interest in health and longevity, transforming my approach to fitness.

The fit physique became a byproduct of lifestyle choices that were in harmony with my deeper values, rather than a primary goal.

Identity as a Tool: Recognizing the flexibility of your identity allows you to adapt it to your evolving understanding and priorities. It's a tool to measure how well your actions and goals align with your core values and beliefs.

Life is not meant to be a repetitive loop but an upward spiral of growth and experience. Each stage and opportunity should lead to evolution, building upon what came before.

Embracing your full self is about understanding that you are a work in progress, constantly evolving and growing. It's essential to understand that while familiarity is comforting, it can also be limiting.

It's about seeing your identity as a guide, not a constraint, and using it to steer your life towards more meaningful and rewarding experiences.

Remember, you are the architect of your journey, and every step you take shapes the path ahead.

Looking Ahead: Syncing with Our Natural Rhythms

In an upcoming newsletter, we'll dive deeper into the concept of our natural rhythms and how aligning with them can enhance our lives.

This exploration will shed light on the importance of living in sync with our inherent cycles, a crucial aspect of maintaining balance and harmony in our journey of self-discovery.

Thank you for joining me on this insightful exploration. Stay tuned for more in-depth discussions as we continue to unravel the complexities of ourselves, how they shape our lives, and what we can do about it.

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