The Hidden Danger of Backup Plans

My recent trip to New York City was eye-opening in ways I didn't expect. Between family dinners, catch-ups with old friends, and chance encounters, I found myself in deep conversations about life, dreams, and the struggles we all face in pursuing them.

Over the next few newsletters, I'll be unpacking these conversations, sharing the universal challenges I've noticed, and hopefully offering some insights that might help us all grow.

One story that really stuck with me was a chat I had with a close cousin about her 16 year old son's passion for theater. We come from a musical family, and it's heartening to see that talent continuing in the younger generation - my daughter and several of her cousins included.

I hadn't seen my cousin's son perform live, but from the Facebook posts she's shared, it's clear he's got some serious talent. The snapshots show a young man with presence and charisma - qualities that can't be taught. I was genuinely excited for him and his potential in theater.

But then my cousin said something that made my stomach turn: "I told him he can major in theater in college, but he needs a backup major too."

It's like putting training wheels on a rocket ship.

She's not trying to crush his dreams. She loves her son and wants the best for him. But in her attempt to be "practical," she's unknowingly setting him up for a half-hearted pursuit of his passion.

This conversation isn't just about theater majors or parenting strategies. It's about the unintended consequences of encouraging "backup plans" – a topic that's relevant whether your child wants to be an actor, an entrepreneur, or the next tech innovator.

That safety net you think you're providing? It might just be the very thing holding your child back from soaring.

The Well-Intentioned Trap

After I expressed my concerns about the "backup plan" approach, my cousin tried to explain her reasoning. "I just want to prepare him that it just might not happen," she said.

I get it. We were both born and raised in New York City, a place of 8 million people where so many come to "make it big." We've seen the gritty and the great, and it's a challenging place that can certainly give the impression that life itself is hard and sometimes impossible.

• NYC: A crucible of dreams and harsh realities

• The mindset: Often downright ugly and uninspiring

• The contrast: Many have "made it" from the bottom

It's one of the reasons I left - not because of the challenges, but because of the pervasive mindset it often creates.

I get it. We want to protect our kids from disappointment. But let's break this down:

1. "Prepare him" - Are we preparing or planting doubt?

2. "It might not happen" - Are we acknowledging possibility or creating expectation?

There's a subtle but crucial difference between acknowledging possibilities and creating negative expectations. When we tell our kids to prepare for failure, we're inadvertently telling them to expect it.

• Acknowledging possibilities: "This path might have challenges, but you've got what it takes to overcome them."

• Creating negative expectations: "You should have a backup because this probably won't work out."

See the difference? One empowers, the other undermines.

Our parental fears, born out of love and concern, can become self-fulfilling prophecies. We think we're being realistic, but we're actually limiting our child's potential.

Think about it:

• How many great achievements came from people who had a solid backup plan?

• How many innovations were born from minds fully committed to their vision?

When we encourage backup plans, we're essentially telling our kids:

1. We don't fully believe in their abilities

2. It's better to play it safe than to fully commit

3. Their dreams are probably unrealistic

Is that really the message we want to send?

Our role as parents isn't to predict the future or protect our kids from every possible disappointment. It's to equip them with the confidence, resilience, and skills to pursue their dreams wholeheartedly.

Every successful person was once a dreamer whom someone believed in. Why not be that someone for your child?

The Invisible Limits We Set

It's easy to spot the big dream-crushers, but what about the subtle ways we limit our children every day? 

Often, we don't even realize we're doing it.

I've seen it countless times on playgrounds and in casual conversations:

• "Oh, my child's not a good climber, so I don't let them on the rock wall."

• "They struggle with math, so I told them it's okay if they get lower grades in that subject."

• "My kid's shy, so I don't push them to join group activities."

Sound familiar?

These seemingly small decisions can have far-reaching consequences.

1. We're teaching our kids to avoid challenges instead of facing them.

2. We're reinforcing their weaknesses rather than encouraging growth.

3. We're setting invisible boundaries on their potential.

The long-term impact of these "protective" choices can be staggering:

• A child discouraged from climbing might never develop physical confidence.

• A student who believes they're "bad at math" may avoid STEM careers.

• A shy kid never pushed to socialize might struggle with relationships later in life.

These limits often say more about us as parents than they do about our children.

• Our fear of them getting hurt translates to "You're not capable."

• Our anxiety about academic performance becomes "It's okay to give up."

• Our own social insecurities manifest as "You're not good with people."

We're projecting our own fears and insecurities onto our kids, wrapping them in a protective bubble that actually stunts their growth.

Every time we say "My child can't," we're really saying "I'm afraid they can't." And that fear becomes their reality.

So, next time you're about to set a limit, ask yourself:

1. Is this about my child's ability or my own fear?

2. What growth opportunity am I taking away?

3. How can I support them in facing this challenge instead of avoiding it?

Our job isn't to clear the path for our children, but to give them the tools to clear it themselves. Let's focus on building their confidence, resilience, and problem-solving skills instead of bubble-wrapping their potential.

After all, the greatest limit on a child's potential is often the one we unwittingly place there ourselves.

The Cost of Hedging Your Bets

When we encourage our kids to have a backup plan, we think we're being smart. But let's talk about the real cost of this "safety net" mentality.

Split Focus, Diminished Results

Imagine trying to drive to two destinations at once. Sounds ridiculous, right?

That's exactly what we're asking our kids to do when we push for a backup plan.

• Energy is divided between two paths

• Passion for the primary goal is diluted

• "What if" becomes a constant distraction

The result? Mediocrity in both pursuits instead of excellence in one.

The Confidence Killer

There's a psychological toll to always having one foot out the door:

• Self-doubt creeps in: "Maybe I'm not good enough"

• Imposter syndrome takes root: "I don't really belong here"

• Decision paralysis sets in: "What if I'm making the wrong choice?"

We're inadvertently teaching our kids to doubt themselves before they've even begun.

A Real-Life Success Story: Rolando Boyce

Let me tell you about my friend, Rolando Boyce. He's now a cast member on the hit Showtime series "The Chi," but his journey there is a testament to unwavering commitment.

• Decades of pursuing his acting dream

• No backup plan to fall back on

• Countless rejections, but never gave up

Rolando didn't make it overnight. He faced years of uncertainty, taking small roles and working odd jobs to support his dream and family.

But here's the key: He never divided his focus. Acting wasn't his "maybe" career - it was his only career.

His story teaches us:

1. Success often comes after years of persistence

2. A backup plan can become a crutch that hinders true commitment

3. Full dedication allows you to push through the tough times

Imagine if Rolando had listened to well-meaning advice about having a "realistic" career backup. Would he be on "The Chi" today?

The truth is, when we hedge our bets, we're betting against ourselves. We're saying, "I don't fully believe this will work out."

The world doesn't reward half-hearted attempts. It rewards those who go all in, who believe in themselves even when no one else does.

So ask yourself: Are you willing to bet on your child's dream? Or are you teaching them to bet against themselves?

The biggest risk isn't failing at their dream. It's succeeding at something they never really wanted in the first place.

Possibilities vs. Expectations

There's a world of difference between acknowledging possibilities and setting expectations. 

When we focus on possibilities, we open doors. When we set expectations, especially negative ones, we often close them.

Think about it. Telling a child "Anything is possible if you work hard" is vastly different from saying "Don't get your hopes up, it probably won't happen."

The first statement is empowering. It encourages effort, creativity, and perseverance. The second? It's a dream killer, plain and simple.

Our belief systems shape our reality more than we realize. When we believe in possibilities, we're more likely to see opportunities, take risks, and bounce back from setbacks. We're creating a mindset of growth and resilience.

But expectations, especially negative ones, can be self-fulfilling prophecies. If we expect failure, we're more likely to give up at the first obstacle. We might not even try at all.

This is particularly dangerous when these expectations come from parents.

Our kids look to us to understand the world and their place in it. When we express doubt in their abilities or dreams, we're not just offering an opinion – we're shaping their self-image.

• Possibility thinking: "This might be challenging, but you can figure it out."

• Expectation thinking: "This is too hard for you. You should try something else."

The first encourages problem-solving and growth. The second? It teaches avoidance and self-doubt.

So, let's focus on possibilities. Let's encourage our kids to see challenges as opportunities, not roadblocks. Because when we expect the best from our children, we give them the chance to surprise us – and themselves.

Reframing Parental Protection

As parents, our instinct is to protect. But sometimes, our idea of protection can do more harm than good. Let's break it down:

1. Believing vs. Lying • Believing in your child's potential isn't lying – it's empowering • Acknowledging challenges while expressing confidence in their abilities • The power of "I believe in you" vs. "Be realistic"

2. The Danger of Doubt-Based Protection • How doubt disguised as protection undermines confidence • The long-term effects of always preparing for failure • Why taking risks is crucial for personal growth

3. Building Resilience Without Crushing Dreams • Teach problem-solving instead of avoidance • Encourage learning from failures, not fearing them • Model perseverance in your own life

4. Strategies for Supportive Parenting • Ask "How can you make this work?" instead of "What if it doesn't?" • Celebrate effort and progress, not just results • Provide a safety net of emotional support, not career alternatives

Remember, our job isn't to “pain proof” our kids' dreams. It's to give them the tools and confidence to chase those dreams, no matter how big or daunting they might seem.

Action Steps for Parents

It's time to move from theory to practice. Here are concrete steps you can take to support your child's dreams without undermining their potential:

1. Listen More, Judge Less • Ask open-ended questions about their passions • Show genuine interest in their ideas, no matter how far-fetched they seem • Resist the urge to immediately offer "practical" advice

2. Encourage Exploration and Commitment • Support trying new things without the pressure of long-term commitment • Once they find a passion, encourage deep diving and skill-building • Help them set meaningful goals and create action plans

3. Teach Resilience Through Example • Share your own stories of overcoming obstacles • Normalize failure as part of the learning process • Celebrate efforts and lessons learned, not just successes

4. Foster Problem-Solving Skills • When they face challenges, ask "How can you solve this?" instead of solving it for them • Encourage brainstorming multiple solutions • Praise creative thinking and perseverance

Your belief in your child's potential is a powerful force. Use it wisely and watch them soar.

It's easy to be the voice of "reason" or "practicality." It's much harder – and much more important – to be the voice of unwavering support and belief.

Think about it: What if every child had someone who believed in them unconditionally? Someone who saw their potential without limits? How would that change the trajectory of their lives? Of our world?

You have the power to be that person for your child. To create an environment where dreams aren't just allowed, but expected and nurtured.

So, the next time your child shares a big dream with you, resist the urge to hedge. Instead, look them in the eye and say, "I believe in you. Let's figure out how to make it happen."

Because at the end of the day, the biggest regret isn't failing at a dream. It's never having the courage to fully pursue it in the first place.

Your child's potential is limitless. Are you brave enough to believe it?