Be MORE judgmental

• Long-term Regrets: Cornell University found people regret inactions more than actions, particularly not seizing opportunities.

• Peer Pressure Influence: American Psychological Association reports 90% of teens feel pressured by peers, affecting decisions into adulthood.

• Mental Health Neglect: Over 70% of adults regret not prioritizing mental health, according to the UK's Mental Health Foundation.

• Career Opportunities Missed: LinkedIn survey shows 40% of professionals regret not speaking up in crucial career moments.

• Life Satisfaction: Northwestern University reveals most deep-seated regrets come from not living up to one's ideal self due to external pressures.

Let me take you back to my childhood when I was about 12 years at the beginning of the school year. One day, I brought a new friend home from school.

My mother arrived shortly after us, took one look at my friend, and didn’t mince words: “You need to leave my house and don’t ever come back.”

Harsh, perhaps, especially coming from an adult to a child. But my mother, a straight-talking Brooklyn mama, had instantly pegged her as "up to no good"—or in her words, "a good for nothing."

Many of you might cringe at this level of bluntness, thinking it's rude to judge a child so quickly or at all. Yet, from the first moment I saw that girl in class, I sensed she was trouble.

Despite this, I let her in my life anyway, though always keeping her at arm’s length, never fully trusting her. It didn’t take long before she dragged me into unnecessary drama, validating my mother’s judgment.

Halfway into the school year, I ended the friendship.

Fast forward years later when I was graduating high school at 16 years old, I heard she was pregnant by a local street thug.

My mother was right, 100%.

In today’s world, we often hear that being judgmental is wrong, that we should check our judgments and be more accepting. The whole New Age crowd prides itself on this whole “acceptance” thing.

But is that truly beneficial? And for who?

My mother’s instinctual decision to protect her home and her child was not just a snap judgment—it was deep and pure discernment in action.

This newsletter is about exploring that rightful discerning or even judgmental nature in us all. It's about recognizing that being judgmental when done with the right intent, isn't just acceptable; it's necessary.

We need more people who are willing to trust their instincts, to say, “Not on my watch,” when something doesn’t sit right.

Being discerning isn’t about closing doors; it's about opening the right ones. It’s about not just accepting what we’re told or what seems to be, but actively engaging with and even challenging our environment, asking tough questions, and making even tougher decisions.

Let’s unpack why it’s crucial to be judgmental, not less, in a world that desperately needs our genuine engagement and careful scrutiny.

Trust Your Gut: The Cost of Ignoring Instincts

Interestingly, the lesson I learned from my mother has stuck with me throughout my life, but I can’t say I’ve always followed it to the letter. Whenever I didn't, it always came back to bite me.

For instance, I was once “friends”—I use that term loosely—with a woman I knew right from the start shouldn't be in my circle. She was another mother I knew from the US and we later reconnected in Bali.

Over the years, I witnessed behaviors that confirmed she was an irresponsible parent. Eventually, her influence began to seep into my home, affecting her children and, by extension, mine.

This prompted me to confront her about her neglectful parenting. Her response was to label me as judgmental, a sentiment she claimed to share with other mothers (like her of course).

Internally, I smiled, recalling my own mother's straightforwardness, and thought, "No, I haven’t been judgmental enough, but I’m glad you noticed."

If there’s any regret, it’s that I allowed her into my life for so long, or at all, against my better judgment. It was a mistake that only validated my initial instincts and could have caused further damage if continued.

Discernment is crucial, not just in who we allow into our lives but in every aspect of our decision-making.

Too often, we ignore our gut feelings to fit in or avoid conflict.

Being truly discerning means standing firm in your convictions, even if it means standing alone.

You have to understand, it serves others when you don't trust your gut, when you turn the other way and allow them to continue with their nonsense and mediocrity.

But what does that mean for you? It means you start to live a life of mediocrity by association. It takes up unnecessary space and energy in your life.

For example, with this woman, I eventually had to speak to her children about their behavior when it was in my presence, and I had to have deeper conversations with my children as they started to notice things that were disturbing in the mother and her children.

The Hidden Costs of Compromising Your Standards:

• Diluting Your Environment: By not trusting your gut and allowing subpar influences into your life, you inadvertently lower the quality of your own environment. This can lead to a life filled with mediocrity, where excellence becomes the exception, not the norm.

• Exposing Your Family to Negativity: While it’s important for children to understand the world's realities, excessive exposure to dysfunctional behaviors can distort their perception and hinder their growth. Balancing exposure with protection is key.

• Energy Drain: Maintaining relationships that consistently test your standards drains energy and diverts your focus from more fulfilling relationships and endeavors.

Let me make this clear: I 1000% believe we parents SHOULD shelter our children.

But I'm not in the business of sheltering my children from every discomfort the world has to offer. It's important they see the truth of the world, unfiltered.

But they need to learn from a safe space and recognize the differences between a nurturing home and, let's just say I’m putting it nicely, a much less nurturing one.

However, there's a limit to how much I will allow into our "container"—the environment where my children need to grow and thrive. This is my utmost responsibility. What message am I sending my children by keeping unhealthy people, behavior, or situations in our lives, even at arm's length?

The Importance of a Nurturing Home Environment:

• A Safe Space for Growth: Ensuring that your home environment is nurturing and not disruptive is so important for the healthy development of your children. It’s about creating a space where they can thrive without unnecessary interference from negative external influences.

• Modeling Healthy Boundaries: What message are you sending your children by tolerating unhealthy relationships? Demonstrating the importance of setting and maintaining healthy boundaries teaches them to value themselves and their own peace.

The Perils of Lowering Your Guard:

• Why Others Prefer Your Lower Standards: Some people thrive on the lowered standards of others because it allows them to continue their pathetic behaviors without consequence. Recognizing and distancing from these types of individuals is a MUST for maintaining your well-being.

• Identifying the Enablers: People who discourage you from being judgmental are often benefiting from your lack of discernment. They prefer you to accept without question, keeping you in a loop of mediocrity.

• The Intrinsic Knowledge: Deep down, you always know when something isn’t right. Trusting your instinct is not just about avoiding negative outcomes; it’s about actively pursuing a life of higher quality and fulfillment.

As I've said before, and I'm sure you'll agree, we are influenced by our environment. In many situations, this can be a benefit, but the environment itself does not care how it affects you.

It will, as a natural byproduct of our adaptability—which means we are permeable by nature. Internalizing these points in your life involves requires constant assessment and realignment of your surroundings and choices to make sure they align with your values and aspirations.

The Challenge of Discernment in Parenting

In today’s world, it seems that many parents are letting their children dictate what should be happening in their households, but really, it should be the other way around.

Children are born permeable; they're designed to absorb a whole lot of information quickly to navigate the world. As young children, their brains are like sponges, soaking up every detail as they try to sort right from wrong, making sense of everything exposed to them.

Their environment plays a big role in this developmental phase, without knowing, it’s teaching them what is considered acceptable or unacceptable.

And that is based on the consistent patterns they see which helps them come to conclusions about what they “should” be doing to fit in as a member of society.

But an environment can consistently demonstrate poor quality behavior and that doesn’t mean it’s the correct path. But that WILL be the assumption, “right or wrong” that they most readily follow.

This is why you see so many adults “consistently” engaging in unhealthy behaviors, literally down to their dietary choices. It’s a normalized pattern of behavior.

Then there’s a family like mine, where we focus on healthy eating, and suddenly we're labeled as 'extreme.'

Why? Because we pay close attention to what enters our bodies?

Choosing REAL whole foods and preferring to bake a cookie at home rather than opting for an Oreo (after all what the big deal it’s vegan right?) is considered unusual simply because the broader environment has settled for mediocrity, allowing junk into our bodies and minds from such a young age.

As adults, this becomes a huge challenge. Many adults struggle to maintain a healthy life all around because they are hooked on poor habits developed during childhood.

When kids are continuously fed junk instead of healthy options, their bodies and mind adapt to that “norm.” Over time, this leads to a scenario where even a simple salad is a turn-off because it doesn’t taste 'right.' Their taste buds, conditioned for years to prefer junk, reject high-quality, nutritious foods.

I hope you know while I’m using food here you can certainly insert a host of more perverse “junk food” that’s going into our children’s and adults’ minds with even worse results all around us.

Nowadays when a parent suddenly isn’t sure if they gave birth to a boy or a girl is only one pathetic example of the junk entering our homes. I’ll speak more on this nonsense in a future newsletter but its roots are in a deep lack of “judgment” of what is allowed to enter your home and your child’s mind.

Moral of the Story:

• Shape a Healthier Environment: As parents, we are the architects of our children's environment. We have the power and responsibility to set standards that foster health, not hinder it.

• Challenge the Norm: Just because something is common doesn't make it right. Challenge the norms that advocate for mediocrity. Teach your children the value of quality and how it affects their mental physical and emotional health.

• Lead by Example: Children learn more from what you do than what you say. If you practice healthy habits, you not only improve your own life but also set a foundation for your children to build upon.

• Recognize the Long-term Impact: The choices you make about what to accept in your life and what to reject have long-term consequences for your children's health, well-being, and moral development.

Understanding the importance of discernment and actively shaping the environment in which our children grow can prevent them from adopting detrimental habits that are hard to break in adulthood. It’s about more than just being selective; it’s about nurturing a generation that understands the value of quality and the importance of maintaining high standards in all aspects of life.

Parenting Beyond Presence

A few years ago during a lunch with an “acquaintance”, she told me about an incident that occurred when my daughters were at the beach with her and her child.

She started off the story with “How did you get your children to be so healthy?” I thought she was about to talk about our online plant-based cooking program Tiny Green Chef, but no.

She shared with me, somewhat arrogantly, how she had offered my daughters soda and other snacks that are an absolute NO in our home. She tells me she even whispered to them, "I know your mother wouldn't want you to have this, but it’s okay—you’re with me. I won't tell."

To her surprise, my daughters persistently declined, one of them finally stating, "No, my mother wouldn't want me to have that."

I sat there listening, half pissed half proud—pride is not a feeling I indulge in because my pride does not belong in my children's choices. However, this was undeniably a proud mom moment.

I didn’t even need to comment back, as I’m sure the deep smirk on my face gave her all the information she needed.

Beyond feeling like I had won some hidden camera parenting challenge, It highlighted how deeply ingrained our family values were in my daughters, even when I wasn’t there to enforce them. Even when “no one would have to know”.

They understood two crucial things:

1. the importance of what they put into their bodies.

2. The values and priorities we set at home are meant to guide them everywhere, not just under my roof.

This is what we must strive to instill in our children and our own lives.

Misery Really Does Love Company

You know the phrase "Misery loves company". Well, it hits the nail on the head. Think about it—what’s the point of being miserable if no one notices? It's even better if others join in, right? That just makes the misery feel more justified, more real and necessary.

They say no one loves a "pity party," but the truth is, people who throw these parties don’t want to party alone. Be wary of folks who urge you to play small or tell you that you're being too judgmental or “overdoing it”.

Those are exactly the kind of people you need to be judging—who need to be shown the door in your life.

Success isn’t accidental, and mediocrity isn’t just bad luck—they're both the result of what we practice every day.

Practice doesn’t just make perfect; it makes permanent.

So, ask yourself, what are you practicing? Are you nurturing habits that lift you up, or are you stuck in patterns that drag you down?

Here's what you need to remember:

• Watch Who You Hang With: If they're always down, always complaining, or always finding fault, it’s time to reassess. You need folks who push you up, not pull you down.

• Say No to the Downers: Avoid getting sucked into cycles of negativity that some people thrive on.

• Choose Your Practices Wisely: Every little thing you do consistently forms the fabric of your life. Are you sewing seeds of success or failure?

Who you let into your life and what habits you cultivate makes all the difference. Make sure you’re building a life that feels good, not one that just looks good on the outside but is hollow on the inside.

My daughters do enjoy sweets and what we call "entertainment food."

But they “know better” as my mother would say when I was a child. They understand the limits, having seen firsthand the effects of poor diet choices on the few occasions that they overindulged and witnessing the many occasions in homes that are less discerning and how their friends have to cancel activities due to constant avoidable illness.

This type of reality check helps them make informed decisions about their health, and to know the difference between everyday nourishment and very occasional “entertainment foods” disguised as treats.

Parenting Extends Beyond Your Presence: Your strongest home “values” guide your children even in your absence. Discernment is about more than supervision; it's about enabling your children to make sound decisions independently.

Discernment is Taught, Not Imposed: True discernment is developed through understanding, not enforcement. Teach your children why certain choices are better, and let them see the consequences of various decisions.

Stand Firm in Your Values, Even Alone: It might be challenging to uphold your standards, especially when others attempt to sway your children. Be the example they need, showing them that integrity isn’t about convenience but about consistency.

Prepare for Challenges: Others might test your family’s values, especially those reflecting different standards. Prepare your children to face these challenges.

Celebrate Responsible Independence: When your children demonstrate they can uphold the family’s values on their own, recognize and celebrate their maturity and independence. This reinforces the importance of their choices and encourages them to continue acting responsibly.

Discernment isn't just about making the right choices when it’s convenient. It's about maintaining those standards even when it’s not the popular choice.

It's not just about being there to make decisions for them but ensuring they have the wisdom and courage to make those decisions for themselves, no matter who is watching.

In the end, discernment is one of the greatest lessons we can pass on—a tool that will serve them well throughout their lives, resulting in not just success, but genuine self-respect and integrity.

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