Complaining is easy

After living in London for five years, coming back to the U.S. was supposed to be the start of a great chapter. I had a newborn and a two-year-old, and I was all set for those ideal stay-at-home mom days. But reality hit hard. Instead of those fun, discovery-filled days, it felt like I was more of a nurse than a mom. It seemed like someone was always sick, and it was draining.

That got me thinking and looking into why this was happening. Turns out, a lot of things from the food we were eating, the soaps and cleaning supplies we were using and more had chemicals in it that weren't even allowed in the UK or Europe in general. That was a shocker for me. It also helped me realize why I could count the number of times in 5 years prior that I was sick versus how often I was ill before and after London.

Fired up by what I found, I joined the anti-GMO crowd. There was this big rally in New York City, packed with people all fired up to make a change. It felt like we were about to do something big.

The Rally Cry and the Reality

• A Moment of Solidarity: The energy at the anti-GMO rallies was electric, a collective outcry against a system we felt was failing us. Standing there, signs in hand, felt like being part of something bigger—a movement poised to initiate change.

• The Sobering Truth: Yet, as the rallies fizzled out and life resumed its pace, the stark reality hit me. Despite our passionate protests, the wheels of the GMO industry continued to turn, unfazed. It was a gut punch, realizing that our loud, collective voice was, in the grand scheme, a whisper against a storm.

The Pivot to Proactivity

• A Seed of Realization: That walk home from the rally, amongst the thinning crowds, was my moment of clarity. If real change was my goal, it wasn't going to come from shouting slogans but from tangible actions.

When it all wound down, I realized nothing was really going to change from this experience.

All the energy, the funds, the heated discussions had fed the very beast we wanted to take down. We were just spinning our wheels, stuck in a cycle of complaining but not actually doing anything about it.

Just talking about what was wrong wasn't enough.

I was faced with a choice: continue to complain about the state of the world or confront the issues head-on and take command of my life.

In this newsletter, we'll dive deep into the difference between complaining and confronting. We'll explore why it's easier to stay in the complaining zone and how confronting, despite requiring more effort, ultimately leads to a life of fulfillment and command. I hope to inspire you to look at your own crossroads and choose the path that leads to empowerment.

The Essence of Complaining vs. Confronting

Life throws tests at you, showing if you're someone who just complains or if you're going to stand up and do something about it. Are you the type to sit back and grumble, or do you take action? That's what it boils down to.

Why People Choose Complaining Over Confronting

At the heart of the matter, the choice to complain rather than confront comes from deep-seated psychological tendencies and societal norms that reward passive aggressiveness and entitlement.

Complaining often feels like a natural response to dissatisfaction or frustration, but it's a habit that feeds on itself, becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you complain, you're not just airing grievances; you’re reinforcing a negative mindset that moves you closer to the problem and further away from any potential solution.

Why We Complain:

• Instant Gratification: Complaining offers immediate release from emotional discomfort. It's easier and provides a quick, albeit temporary, sense of relief.

• Seeking Validation: You often complain to seek validation from others, hoping to find solidarity in your dissatisfaction. This sense of communal grievance makes you feel justified in your complaints.

• Avoiding Action: Complaining allows you to dodge the responsibility of taking action. It's simpler to point out what's wrong than to step up and make a change. It's a way of saying, "This is someone else's fault, so they should fix it."

• Fear of Change: At its core, complaining is a manifestation of fear—fear of the effort required to change, fear of stepping out of our comfort zone, and fear of failure.

It was 2012 and I was standing in Whole Foods, sick for days, I hit a breaking point. Avoiding doctors, already dabbling in the holistic path, I needed something more. There I was, lost in the aisles, probably looking as confused and frustrated as I felt, when a staff member approached me.

"What do you need?" he asked. I spilled it all - the relentless cold, the chest congestion.

He suggested probiotics, handing me a bottle with a steep price tag. "It's pricey because most won't bother making it themselves," he said matter-of-factly. It was clearly his “inside voice” that I wasn’t supposed to hear, but I did.

That comment struck a chord because I was just on the verge of complaining about the cost, yet his last comment caught me dead in my tracks.

I was clueless about probiotics or making them. I was clueless about real health. Yet I was about to go on about the “price of health”.

I felt the heat of anger rising in me. I was furious for two reasons:

1. I was outraged that accessing clean food felt like an unnecessary hurdle.

2. I was angry at myself for my ignorance, feeling I'd jeopardized my family's health.

I could've stayed angry, vented to anyone who'd listen—and I did, a bit. But deep down, I knew rage wouldn't fix anything. It was about more than just nursing our ailments; it was about thriving.

How Complaining Feeds Itself:

• Reinforces Negativity: The more you complain, the more you focus on the negative aspects of your situation. This negative focus makes the problem seem bigger and more insurmountable, trapping you in a cycle of dissatisfaction.

• Blinds Us to Solutions: Engaging in constant complaints shifts your attention away from potential solutions. You become so fixated on what's wrong that you overlook any opportunity to make things right.

• Weakens Our Resolve: Each complaint chips away at your ability to confront challenges. Over time, you become less likely to take the necessary steps toward resolution, convincing yourself that the situation is hopeless.

• Attracts More Complaints: Like attracts like. The more you complain, the more you attract others who complain, creating an echo chamber of grievances that amplifies negativity and stifles proactive thought.

The Allure of Victimhood

• Victim Identity: Embracing a victim mentality can be strangely comforting. It absolves individuals from the hard work of change, allowing them to garner sympathy and support without moving towards resolution. Complaining reinforces this identity, embedding individuals deeper into a sense of powerlessness.

• Societal Validation: Modern platforms and social narratives often validate the victim mentality, rewarding complaints with attention and sometimes even acclaim. This validation can create a feedback loop, where complaining feels not only justified but encouraged.

That day at Whole Foods really flipped the switch for me. When the employee talked about paying a "lazy tax" for not making my own probiotics, it really made me think. I was sick of my health taking a hit because I didn't know better. I wanted more for what I was putting into my body.

Then, he pointed me to a website, and down the rabbit hole I went—learning about GMOs, all the junk in our food, and how easy it could be to make things like probiotics, tinctures, and more and just grow food myself. That was the moment everything changed. I went from not knowing a thing to diving deep into learning how to take control of my health. That journey of learning and doing it myself? Best decision I've ever made.

Characteristics of Confronters:

• Resilience: Confronters bounce back. They see failure not as the end but as a detour to success.

• Sense of Agency: They believe they can change outcomes. This belief drives them to act, not just wait around for things to happen.

• Proactivity: Confronters don't just react; they actively seek out solutions, thinking creatively to overcome hurdles.

Characteristics of Complainers:

• Avoidance of Discomfort: Complainers dodge difficult situations. They'd rather stick to what's comfortable than face challenges head-on.

• Externalization of Blame: They're quick to point fingers elsewhere, shifting responsibility away from themselves to avoid taking action.

• Reactivity: Complainers wait for problems to land on their doorstep before reacting, often feeling helpless and expecting others to solve their issues.

From Anti-GMO Protests to Personal Harvests: A Tale of Confrontation

Looking back, switching from shouting at anti-GMO rallies to getting my hands dirty in my own garden was how I went from being that person who's always mad and complaining to someone who actually does something about it.

Starting Fresh with Gardening: That's when I really got into gardening. It wasn't just to avoid GMOs; it was about taking real steps to make sure my family was eating healthy. From rigging up grow lights in the basement to planning out where each vegetable would go as soon as the ground was warm enough to plant, I learned a lot about being patient, sticking with it, and how good it feels to see your hard work turn into something real you can eat.

Just complaining doesn't change anything. It's okay to let off steam, but don't get stuck there. Complaining too much can really cost you, not just in peace of mind but in actually missing out on making things better.

Complaining: Stuck in the Mud

• Going in Circles: Complaining becomes a habit. You voice your dissatisfaction, but if you're not looking to actually change anything, you're just talking to the air, hoping somehow everything will fix itself for you.

  Feeling Busy, Going Nowhere: It tricks you into thinking you're doing something about your problem. But just airing out your frustrations, without taking any real steps to solve them, is like running in place. You're putting in the effort but not moving an inch.

  Falling into the Validation Trap: Nowadays, every platform out there lets you broadcast your grievances to the world. Getting likes and comments might make you feel seen, like you're not alone in your struggle. But all those digital nods don't actually change anything in the real world.

Reclaiming Power: Breaking Free from the Cycle of Complaints

One of the trickiest parts about getting stuck in a cycle of complaints is that it actually gives more power to the very folks you're complaining about. Every time you point out how powerless you feel, it's like you're handing them a free pass.

They win, no matter what, because while you're busy pointing fingers, they're just carrying on, business as usual. So, really, the best move you've got is to take control of your own life. By doing that, you're clawing back as much of your power as possible from them.

Your Roadmap to Confrontation: Turning Insight into Action

Here's a practical roadmap to help you embrace confrontation and harness its power to create meaningful change.

1. Figuring Out Where You're Stuck:

• What's Bugging You? Start by jotting down the things you complain about the most. Could be anything from not feeling great, being annoyed at work, or even bigger stuff that's going on in the world.

• Why's It Bugging You? For each thing you listed, think about why it's really getting to you. Is it because it clashes with what you believe, you feel stuck, or maybe you're just scared to make a change?

2. Changing How You See Things:

• Problem or Chance to Grow? Try to see each complaint not as a dead end but as a chance to make something better in your life.

• You've Got Power: Remember, you're not just a bystander in your life. You've got the power to change things. Thinking of yourself as powerless won't get you anywhere.

3. Making a Game Plan:

• What's the Goal? For every issue you've got, spell out what fixing it or making it better would look like. Keep it real and doable.

• Breaking It Down: Make a step-by-step plan on how to hit those goals. Start small. Every little step forward counts.

4. Learning What You Need to Know:

• Hit the Books (or the Internet): Get smart about what you're dealing with. Whether it's figuring out how to eat better, finding different ways to learn, or getting active about something you care about, knowledge is power.

• Find Your People: Connect with folks who've been where you are. Their stories and tips can really light the way.

5. Just Do It Already:

• Start Small: Pick one small thing you can do right now towards your goal. Getting started is often the hardest part.

6. Checking In and Tweaking Things:

• How's It Going? Make time to check in on your progress. Give yourself a pat on the back for the wins and think about what to tweak if things aren't going as planned.

• Stay Flexible: Be ready to change your plan as you learn more and grow. What works today might need adjusting tomorrow.

7. Sharing the Journey:

• Spread the Word: As you start seeing changes, share your story. You never know who you might inspire to take their own steps.

• Build Your Squad: Getting together with people on the same path can make your resolve even stronger. Plus, it's great to have folks to celebrate the wins with and to lean on when it's tough.

Reaping More Than Veggies

Beyond Expectations: My garden did way better than I ever thought it would. It wasn't just about the food; it was feeling proud of what I'd managed to do. Every little challenge along the way just made the success taste that much sweeter.

More Than Food: This whole gardening adventure showed my daughters something important. They saw what happens when you put your energy into making things better instead of just complaining. They learned that taking on challenges directly can really pay off.

Growing Change Ourselves:

Change Starts with Us: Lasting change isn't something you're given; it's something you work for. My garden was a beautiful example of this—what you put into it is what you get out.

Switching from being mad at rallies to getting my hands dirty in the garden, I really got what it means to take control. This journey wasn't just about dodging GMOs. It was about taking charge of our lives and choosing to do something rather than just being mad.

This shift from moaning about problems to facing them head-on is a big deal. It's all about seeing challenges as chances to grow and get stronger. Whether we're talking about staying healthy, teaching our kids, or anything else, we've all got the power to step up and make things better.

So, as we wrap this up, I'm throwing down a challenge: Find one thing you've been letting slide, something you've been griping about more than fixing. Decide you're going to tackle it. Even a small step is a step in the right direction. The best lives aren't built on complaints; they're built on facing challenges and overcoming them.

The Big Picture

Choosing to confront isn't just a one-time deal; it's how you live your life. It means owning your decisions, facing problems head-on, and shaping the future you want. And when you start living like this, you're not just changing your life. You're setting an example that can inspire everyone around you—from your family to complete strangers.

The biggest win? Seeing my daughters learn that when something's in your way, you don't just sit back and whine about it. You do something. That's a lesson I hope they carry with them forever.

And remember, nobody's perfect. We all might slip into just complaining now and then. But realizing it gives us a chance to switch gears and start making real moves. That's what bridges the gap between just being frustrated and actually doing something about it.

Let's keep pushing, learning, and growing. Because every step we take is a step away from just complaining and a step towards really living.

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