Why It's Okay to Be Selfish

Ever notice how some people seem to get a crazy amount done as if they've found a way to slow down time?

It's not that they're superhuman or possess some secret power.

It's simpler: they're stingy with their time. And in this context, being stingy is a virtue.

Time is all we've got. It's the ultimate currency. Yet, in a world that screams, "Give more! Do more!" we're often led to believe that pouring our time into every ask, every demand, is the way to go. But is it?

Just watch kids play, lost in their world, guarding their playtime fiercely from the monster invasion of naptime or chores?

Kids are not lazy. They just instinctively know the value of their time, it’s a natural reflex for them to have a bias for moments that make them happy, feel good or spark curiosity.

But then, we grow up. We're told to “be serious,” to prioritize others' needs, and to consider our automatic desire to focus on what truly matters to us as selfish lazy or inconsiderate of others.

School, with its military schedules, starts chipping away at this natural knowing, teaching us to fit our interests and passions into the leftover cracks of our day, if at all.

Take a moment and think about how you spend your day. How much of it is truly yours? How much of your time is spent doing things that light you up versus things you feel obligated to do?

In this newsletter, I'm challenging you to rethink time. Not just as an endangered resource but as your most precious one. We'll explore why it's essential to be stingy with your time, not in a way that's mean or uncaring, but in a way that honors your needs, dreams, and potential.

When you start treating your time with the respect it deserves, that's when the magic happens. That's when you start living a life that's not just busy, but bustling.

Life is about making every moment count—

Let's dive in.

The Misunderstood Value of Selfishness

The day starts reluctantly before sunrise for many, years ago my husband was a member of this society. Out the door by the crack of dawn, not to return until the stars are out.

The routine: wake, work, sleep, repeat. Meanwhile, plans for my kids were penciled in similarly—schooling outside, structured, regulated. At least that was my original plan. But something about it started to gnaw at me early on in motherhood.

It hit me hard one evening, watching my husband tiptoe into our sleeping kids' rooms, just to catch a glimpse of them asleep. He was missing out on their waking lives, all in the name of providing, of fulfilling a role society said was his responsibility.

It was a sad realization. We were giving away the most precious thing we had—our time—to a prescribed script we hadn’t even questioned. Was this the legacy we wanted to leave our children?

Then, there was the impending school routine for my kids. The thought of sending them off to spend their days in a system that dictates how they use every minute of their time suddenly felt wrong.

They were thriving at home with me, exploring, learning, and being intensely "selfish" with their interests. And it was beautiful to witness. How could I suddenly justify taking all that away?

Why Selfishness Needs a Rebrand

What if being "selfish" with our time isn’t about neglecting others but about ensuring we’re our best selves for them? It's about saying no to things that drain us and yes to activities that fill us up, make us whole, and allow us to give back from a place of abundance, not obligation.

My kids demonstrated this perfectly. They didn’t care if the world thought they should be doing something else. If they were into a puzzle, a book, or a game, they were all in. Their world, their rules. They were masters of their time, and they were learning, growing, and becoming more themselves with every passing moment. Why do we praise this focus in children but forbid it in adults?

Reclaiming Our Time

Reclaiming your time isn’t just about personal growth. It’s a radical act of self-love that teaches our kids a valuable lesson—they are in control of their time, and their life. Therefore it would be best for them to learn to prioritize what truly matters and build a life around it, just as they naturally did as toddlers absorbed in play.

Being Selfish is Being Wise

1. Prioritize Your Purpose: Just as children do, focus on what excites and fulfills you. This isn't about shunning responsibilities but realizing just how much you are responsible for your time well spent.

2. Say No Like You Mean It: Master the art of turning things down. If it doesn’t fit your vibe or goals, pass on it. Taking on stuff half-heartedly just ends up biting you back.

3. Make Space For You: Like those moments of intense play in childhood, ensure you have undisturbed time to dive deep into your interests.

4. Be All There: When you’re hanging out with people that really matter to you, really show up. Guarding your time means the moments you do spend together are gold.

The Exploitation of Time

The average person spends nearly 2.5 hours on social media every day. That's over 17 hours a week—time that could be spent learning a new skill, engaging with family, or pursuing a passion.

And television? Americans, on average, watch over 35 hours of TV a week. Imagine what could be achieved with that time if redirected towards personal growth and fulfillment.

In education, a survey of teachers revealed that, on average, only about 20-30% of school time is effectively used for what we’d consider "actual learning."

The rest? It's caught up in administrative tasks, disciplinary actions, and other non-learning activities.

This isn't to ignore the hard work of educators but to highlight a systemic issue in how our institutions manage the most valuable resource our children have: their time.

As for the adult world of work, despite an 8-hour workday being the norm, studies suggest that the average office worker is only productive for about 3 hours. The rest is stolen away by emails, unnecessary meetings, and breaks.

I remember working 20 years ago at a company where there were mandated “cigarette breaks” so people could have time to feed their habit. It was sad, disturbing, and pathetic all at once, to see what is considered a protected human right.

Again, it’s not about pointing fingers but recognizing a pattern of time misuse that starts in childhood and extends into our professional lives.

The traditional education system and structured work environments strip away our autonomy over our time from a young age. We're conditioned to surrender our most valuable asset—our time—to external demands, shaping a society where individuals feel they have less control over how their days unfold.

This loss of time autonomy isn't just about inefficiency; it's about a deep-seated cultural attitude towards time itself.

We're taught to value busyness as a sign of importance and productivity, even when it's clear that being busy doesn't equate to being effective.

The disconnect between time spent and value created creates a cycle of burnout, dissatisfaction, and the feeling that we're always “running out of time.”

Take a look at this for example:

• The average American adult spends over 8 hours per day interacting with media of some type, most of which is not enriching or productive.

• In schools, the focus on standardized testing and curriculum requirements leaves little room for exploration, creativity, and the development of time management skills that promote true autonomy.

• The modern workplace, with its emphasis on "face time" and availability over output, perpetuates the illusion that longer hours equal more dedication and success.

This exploitation of time autonomy from a young age sets the stage for a lifetime of:

1. chasing time

2. never quite catching up, and

3. often not even sure what we're chasing after

It's a cycle that can be broken, but it takes a conscious effort to reclaim your time, to prioritize activities that align with your values, and to redefine what it means to be productive and fulfilled.

The challenge, then, is to push back against these systems and expectations.

To start being "selfish" with our time—not in the sense of neglecting responsibilities or relationships, but making sure that the time you have is spent in ways that really matter to you. That’s how you’ll be able to really make a difference in whatever you do.

Ownership over how you spend your days is the most direct path to living a life that is meaningful and rich.

Guarding Against Time Vampires

Ever get the feeling that there are people out there trying to hijack your time? They come in various disguises—some with well-meaning intentions, others oblivious to how they impose on your time.

These "time vampires" are pros at draining your energy, leaving you wondering where all your hours went.

Who are these time vampires, why do they do what they do, and most importantly, what can you do about it.

The Well-Meaning Over-Planner often has a never-ending list of plans for your time. Their intentions “might” even be good, but they tend to load you with tasks that serve them more than you. You have to recognize this pattern and set boundaries with them.

The Crisis Magnet lives from one emergency to the next, frequently pulling you into their turmoil. This eats up a significant chunk of your time and emotional bandwidth. Understanding that you can offer support without being drowned in every one of their “crisis’.

Then there's The Idle Chatterer, who thrives on long, aimless conversations. While it's nice to catch up, these discussions can often distract you from your goals, monopolizing your time with discussions that circle back to trivialities or their interests.

Why do they act this way?

1. Lack of Self-direction: Since they don’t how to properly use their own time, they're hesitant to commit it to any one pursuit, leading them to hoard it or demand yours.

2. Seeking Validation: This can also be a motive; they crave attention and acknowledgment from people who stand out as productive.

3. Fear of Solitude: Sometimes vampires; fill their time with yours to avoid dealing with their lack of direction and dead-end thoughts.

4. Fear of Being Left Behind: Some worry that if you “get ahead” and they do not, they'll be left behind (and they will). That’s why they try to control your time to stay close, which holds you back with them. They envy your rise because they’re scared to go out on their own path.

Time vampires hoard their time because they're Searching for Meaning or feel Insecurity in Giving.

They don’t see the value in their own time or how to share it well, which leads to a cycle of time hoarding and imposing on you.

Protecting your time involves Setting Clear Boundaries and Valuing Your Priorities.

Be clear about when you're available and align your time investment with your personal goals.

When approached by a time vampire, you have to decide right away whether the interaction serves your objectives.

If not, learn to say "no" and do it fast.

You have to be selfish. 

There is a big difference between being selfish and self-absorbed that deserves to be repeated:

Being selfish, in its most beneficial form

• means valuing your own time so much that you naturally respect the time of others.

• It's an understanding that your time is your most precious commodity, and so is everyone else's.

• This recognition respects time.

• Boundaries are respected, and time theft is avoided.

On the other hand, a self-absorbed individual

• Views time through the lens of their needs and desires, often at the expense of others.

• Hoards their time not out of respect for its value but out of fear of spending it.

• Waste others’ time without hesitation.

• This disconnect comes from a lack of appreciation for the true worth of time—both their own and that of the people around them.

The Genius of Time Mastery

Ever find yourself saying, "I don't have time for that"? Maybe when you're overwhelmed by your packed schedule or when you're looking at opportunities you wish you could take but feel you can't.

When a true genius throws that phrase around, it's not about scrambling for more hours in the day. It's a fierce declaration of priorities. They're telling you straight up: "That? Not worth my time."

But here's what they're whispering under their breath: "Because I know exactly what is."

That’s a true genius. It's not just about having a brain crammed with facts or being able to spout theories and make groundbreaking discoveries.

Real geniuses? They're time wizards, and that’s how they can conjure up innovations, art, and revolutions while the rest of us are still wondering where the day went.

True geniuses are masters of their calendars, transforming their visions into reality while the rest of us are left wondering “how quickly time flies.”

When 'Busy' Became Our Biggest Regret

One day, when my daughters were around 2 and 4 years old, my husband dropped a truth bomb that shifted his whole perspective on our family dynamic: "If I can't make time for them now, they won't make time for me later."

It hit him like a lightning bolt.

This realization wasn't a lightbulb moment that sparked instant change; rather, it was a seed that took years to germinate.

Years of wrestling with how he “should” spend his life.

He worked in a job that literally consumed every waking moment of our daughters' lives 5 days a week, growing his worst fear: he "didn't have time for that." And "that" meant quality moments with his daughters, not just paying for their lifestyle but being an active participant in their lives.

After years of battling with fear, guilt, and an identity crisis of “who am I” beyond the “busywork,” he finally leaped. Seven years ago, he traded his professional identity for personal fulfillment.

As I write this newsletter today, he is across the world exploring Europe for a month with our daughters because he chose to prioritize what truly mattered to him, and it's paying dividends in our family's well-being.

No, I'm not saying you should quit your job or that sticking with it means you're failing as a parent. What I am pushing for is a deep dive—a time audit of your life.

Ask yourself, does how you spend your days truly match the life you dream of? Time's slipping away from all of us, with no rewind button.

Each day ticks us closer to the end, yet every morning, too many of us hit life's snooze button, pretending we’ve got all the time in the world.

In this age, some have mastered the art of making us feel accomplished by consuming their content. From the job titles that define us to the never-ending stream of "must-know" info flooding our feeds—podcasts, apps, news cycles—they pull us into their world.

Their genius lies in hijacking our "productive" hours for their gain.

If you find yourself lost more in others’ worlds than crafting your own, it's time for a time check.

Let’s take a page from a genius of time.

A genius shapes their own narrative, not just consume others’.

A true genius isn't a consumer but a creator, shaping their time with intention. If you're spending more time in someone else's narrative, chances are, they're the genius, and they've now got a hold of your most precious resource—your time.

Guard your time like a treasure, for a life that's worth more than gold.

In the grand timeline, wouldn’t you rather be the maestro than at the mercy of one?

The Maestros of Time Management

• Selective Learning: They don’t scatter their focus. Every piece of knowledge is a deliberate step towards their grand design.

• Unwavering Focus: In their zone, distractions don’t stand a chance. This is where they craft their legacy. Their focus is unbreakable. When they zero in, the world fades away. This zone is where the magic happens, leaving us in awe.

• Purposeful Downtime: Even their downtime is a masterclass in self-enrichment—carefully chosen for rejuvenation, inspiration, and perspective shifts. Forget aimless scrolling; this is about fueling the fire within.

History is filled with key people who “bent time” time like a magician, turning moments into movements. They didn’t just happen upon success; it’s because of the way they managed their time that created it.

Life as a Game

It’s not about playing it safe, or just passing your pawn around to "stay in the game." It's about strategy, about playing to win. This doesn’t mean recklessness; it means recognizing that playing it too safe is often the riskiest move.

• Life Audit: Declare what you want to achieve. If you continue on your current path, will you get there?

• Strategic Play: Understand that life's a game with stakes. How are you strategizing to win, not just to avoid losing?

• Time as Currency: Every moment is a bet. Are you placing yours wisely, or are you letting them slip through your fingers on bets that don’t pay off?

Being a time genius means valuing your minutes, your hours, your days, and spending them on what matter most to you. It's about recognizing your worth, defining your objectives, and embracing a bit of selfishness with your time.

By reclaiming your time and asserting your right to direct it, you gain the freedom to craft a life that a reflection of who you really are.

This isn’t about managing a calendar; it's about leading a life by design, not by default.

So, as we wrap up, consider how you might reclaim not just your time but your autonomy over how you spend it. Whether it's how you educate your kids, structure your work, or unwind, owning your time is the truest form of freedom.

Embrace a bit of "selfishness," you're not just carving out time for what matters; you're setting the stage for a life with intention and purpose.

Reclaim your time, redefine selfishness, and model for your children that their time is the most valuable asset they have. So they see that it’s about crafting a life that feels true to who we are, and sometimes, that means being a little selfish.

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