The Parenting Mistake Creating a Generation of Adult Children

As a parent, I'm not here to fill my child's life with endless happiness and goodness. I'm not here to create moments where they never experience any hardship, challenge, or feel uncomfortable.

Why?

Because I'm not growing a child.

Stick with me…

People have this idea about wanting kids to just have a good childhood without understanding what childhood really is. Let me break it down for you:

• Childhood is a training ground

• It's an area where children get to experiment and experience life

• The goal? To make them more equipped and ready for their every day and their future

So when you really get this, the way we treat our children should become much different.

Now, I get it. Maybe you came from parents who were too strict, and you want your kids to have a life of ease. You might believe that it would be better for them. But here's the psychology behind it:

1. You're assuming YOUR childhood would've been better if you could just do whatever you wanted.

2. You think endless daydreams, playing, and imagination running free is the goal.

3. You're forgetting that imagination's main purpose is to create and eventually shape the world we live in.

But here's the deeper meaning parents need to zoom in on:

We are growing adults, not perpetual children.

And with that understanding, everything changes.

"Sometimes, making things too easy creates the hardest challenges."

I found this out the hard way by, in a way, babying adults. Let me take you on a journey through my Stone Soup Family Pop-up experiences.

San Miguel and Guatemala Success

Six years ago, here in San Miguel, I created the first family pop-up community. I called it Stone Soup Family Pop -Up Community. I named it after the book about a stranger walking into a town and getting people to be neighborly and share in making “stone soup.”

It was a 30-day experience where families came from all around the world, and we created a community over a month, hosting high-level events and services for each other.

As the facilitator, I had some responsibilities:

• Found locations for twice-weekly meetings

• Created a pop-up learning experience for children and families

• Organized weekly field trips

But here's the key part: 

From the beginning, I encouraged and promoted that the community would create events and experiences for each other as the month went along. And that's exactly what happened.

We had 27 families who said yes to this experimental pop-up, and we had a great time.

Next, I went on to Guatemala for a 2-month pop-up. We met once a week, and again, everyone was encouraged to build the community according to our needs and desires. And we did that.

Then came Bali. I got this grand idea to make sure I had housing for everyone. I found three locations for about 28 to 29 families and promoted it as easy - just show up, plug into the community, and hit the ground running.

What I didn't expect was that the very thing that I thought was going to make things easier made it much harder and much more unpleasant.

Lessons Learned

Reflecting on what went wrong, I realized:

• People felt like retreat-goers, not community members

• I had made things too easy

• They expected retreat-like service, not community participation

By providing housing, airport pickup, welcome baskets, and trinkets, I'd created a retreat atmosphere while calling it a community.

Result? People came to me for every little thing. "Azizi, there are bugs in my room" - in a tropical environment!

The housing, meant to create ease, simply put, didn’t. It turned active community builders into passive consumers - patrons of "Club Community" rather than engaged members.

Interestingly, those who didn't get housing were often the most helpful and proactive. Why? They had to work for it, searching for their own accommodations and eagerly integrating into the community.

The big lesson?

Taking the easy road often creates more hardship in the long run. In my case, it backfired spectacularly. By setting everything up for ease, I inadvertently created a demanding atmosphere.

I had given them all the tools to "play" with, yet found myself wondering why they kept expecting more instead of taking initiative. This experience taught me a valuable lesson about the unintended consequences of well-meaning assistance.

The Problem with Overcompensation in Parenting

Many parents do this at home. They roll out the red carpet, doing everything for their children, believing this creates a "happy childhood" and frees kids to do whatever they want.

What they don't realize is that learning to take care of ourselves - these very struggles - are crucial to becoming well-rounded adults.

Consequences of making things too easy:

• Children remain childlike as adults

• They develop entitlement rather than a sense of contribution

• They lack skills needed for true independence

Let me break it down:

• Removing rites of passage robs kids of crucial learning experiences

• We create a generation expecting life to happen for them, not making life happen

• We set them up for disappointment when the real world doesn't cater to their every whim

The importance of struggle and responsibility:

Struggle isn't the enemy. It's the teacher.

Think about it:

• Overcoming challenges builds confidence

• Taking on responsibilities develops pride and competence

• Struggling and succeeding teaches resilience - a crucial life skill

I saw this in my pop-ups. Those who worked harder to participate were the most engaged, helpful, and invested.

It's like this: Many want a happy life but don't want to create one.

They want to be rich but don't want to get rich.

There's a big difference between wanting an outcome and being willing to work for it.

Don't rob your kids of chances to struggle, work hard, and figure things out. You're depriving them of tools they need to create their own happiness and success.

Remember, as adults, they'll need to handle struggles, take on responsibilities, and create their own joy.

That's the real path to happiness - not having everything handed to you.

"Your child's future self is the adult you're raising today."

Think about it:

• Every skinned knee teaches resilience

• Every chore builds responsibility

• Every conflict with a friend trains communication and problem-solving

We're not doing our kids any favors by shielding them from these experiences.

We’re setting them up for failure as adults.

Developing life skills and autonomy

I'm not saying throw kids into the deep end without a life jacket. But we should gradually let them swim on their own.

Here's what I mean:

1. Start small: Give age-appropriate responsibilities like making their bed or helping with dinner prep.

2. Allow failure: Let them mess up sometimes. It's how they learn.

3. Encourage problem-solving: Instead of fixing everything, ask, "What do you think we should do about this?"

4. Teach financial literacy: Help them understand earning, saving, and spending wisely.

5. Foster independence: Gradually increase their autonomy as they show they can handle it.

Remember, our job isn't to make kids happy all the time.

Why?

Because adulthood isn't always a walk in the park.

By developing life skills and autonomy, we're equipping our kids for the real world.

We're teaching them they have the power to shape their lives, overcome challenges, and create their own happiness.

There's nothing more satisfying than watching your kid figure something out alone. It's like, "Yeah, that's my kid. They've got this."

So next time you're tempted to swoop in and save the day, step back.

The world doesn't need more grown-up children.

That's not what we're here to create. But that's what many are inadvertently doing.

"The best way to predict your child's future is to create it through small, daily acts of responsibility."

Let me share a recent experience that really drives home what I'm talking about.

This week, I wasn't feeling so well. It was around the time I'd normally be making dinner, but I just wasn't up to it. Before I had a chance to say anything to my daughter, I looked over and saw my 12-year-old in action.

Here's what went down:

• She's scanning through the refrigerator

• Pulling things out and putting them on the island

• She looks over at me and says, "I'm going to make tacos."

But it didn't stop there. She asks me, "Can you ask Papa to bring home more potatoes?" Then she goes down the list of all the extra ingredients she needed.

When they came home, she had:

1. Cooked half of the meal

2. Finished cooking the rest when they arrived

3. Had dinner ready 20 minutes later

And guess what - I didn't need to ask. I didn't need to say anything. She saw that I wasn't at my best, and she just immediately jumped in.

Now, this didn't happen by magic. This is the result of:

• Years of involving her in meal planning and preparation

• Gradually increasing her responsibilities in the kitchen

• Allowing her to experiment (and sometimes fail) with cooking

It's not about having a perfectly obedient child who never causes trouble. It's about nurturing a capable, empathetic human who can step up when needed.

Key takeaways from this experience:

1. Observation skills: She noticed something was off without being told

2. Initiative: She took action without being asked

3. Problem-solving: She figured out what was needed and how to get it

4. Responsibility: She took on a task typically done by an adult

5. Empathy: She understood someone else's needs and acted on them

This is the kind of behavior that translates into success in adulthood. It's not about grades or trophies - it's about developing the skills and mindset to navigate life's challenges.

So, before you do everything for your child, remember this story. Ask yourself, "Am I giving them a chance to surprise me with their abilities?" Because the pride you feel when your child rises to an occasion is unmatched.

This is childhood as a training ground for life. This is how we prepare kids not just for a happy childhood, but for a fulfilling adulthood.

If you want to raise kids who become autonomous adults, here's what you need to focus on:

Fostering Independence

1. Step back: Resist the urge to do everything for your kids. Let them figure things out.

2. Encourage decision-making: Give them choices and let them live with the consequences.

3. Teach life skills: Cooking, cleaning, laundry, budgeting - these aren't just chores, they're survival skills.

Remember, every time you do something for your child that they could do themselves, you're stealing an opportunity for growth.

Allowing for Struggles and Growth

Your child's struggles are not your failures. They're opportunities. Here's how to approach them:

• Don't rush to solve every problem: When your kid comes to you with an issue, ask "What do you think you should do?" before offering a solution.

• Normalize failure: Share your own failures and what you learned from them. Show that mistakes are part of the process.

• Celebrate effort, not just results: A child who tried and failed learned more than one who never tried at all.

Setting Expectations for Adulthood

This is crucial. We need to paint a realistic picture of adulthood:

1. Talk about adult responsibilities: Discuss bills, jobs, relationships - don't sugar-coat it.

2. Involve them in family decisions: Let them see the thought process behind adult choices.

3. Gradually increase expectations: As they grow, they should take on more responsibility.

If you treat your teenager like a child, don't be surprised when you end up with a childish adult.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "But I want my kids to be happy!"

Guess what? True happiness doesn't come from an easy life handed to you.

Let's break it down:

• Fostering independence creates confidence and self-reliance

• Allowing for struggles builds resilience and problem-solving skills

• Setting expectations for adulthood prepares them for the real world

We're not just parenting for today. We're shaping future adults. Every decision, every struggle allowed, every responsibility given - it all molds their future selves.

To wrap this up: There's a world of difference between creating a happy life and expecting a happy life.

Expecting a Happy Life:

• Waiting for happiness to happen

• Believing others are responsible for your joy

• Feeling entitled to constant comfort

Creating a Happy Life:

• Taking action to build the life you want

• Understanding you're the architect of your happiness

• Embracing challenges as growth opportunities

When we try to make our kids' lives constantly happy and easy:

1. We rob them of skills to create their own happiness

2. We set them up for disappointment in the real world

3. We create adults ill-equipped for life's challenges

Instead, let's give our kids tools to create their own happiness. Let's teach them:

• Struggle is the teacher, not the enemy

• Failure is a stepping stone, not the end

• Happiness is created, not given

Remember the 12-year-old making dinner? That's a kid learning to create happiness. She saw a need and took action. That's the skill leading to a genuinely happy life.

So, parents, I challenge you:

Teach your kids to create happiness. Show them joy comes from overcoming challenges, learning skills, and contributing to their community.

Let's raise kids who know how to create a happy life, not just expect one. Let's prepare them for the real game of life, not a sheltered version.

Let's raise capable, resilient, independent adults. The world needs them, and our kids can become them - if we give them the chance.

Trust me, it's a game-changer. Your future adult children will thank you.