I have a confession: I sometimes struggle with being an over-giver. And I've recently realized something - my most intense periods of giving often coincide with when I most desperately need support myself.

Ironic, isn't it?

Here we are in the "giving season," and I'm wondering: What if our obsession with giving is creating more isolation? What if, in our rush to be the ones who give, we're actually taking something crucial from ourselves and others?

Let me ask you this:

• When was the last time you genuinely asked for help?

• Not the "can you grab milk on your way home" kind of help

• But the vulnerable, heart-open "I need support" kind of help?

The thing about being human is that we literally can't be self-sufficient. It's not just unwise - it's impossible. Yet somehow, we've created a society that praises the illusion of not needing anyone.

Think about this: In the 1950s, something shifted. Suddenly, every home needed its own washing machine, its own lawnmower, its own everything. Doors that used to be open between neighbors slowly closed. Communities that once shared resources became islands of supposed self-sufficiency.

But at what cost?

We're now raising families in pressure cookers of false independence. Parents are exhausted trying to do it all, kids are learning that needing help is somehow shameful, and we're all drowning in stuff that's meant to make us need each other less.

Personally, when I find myself in over-giving mode, it's usually a red flag. It's my heart's way of saying, "Hey, you actually need to receive right now." But instead of opening up and asking for support, I go into giving overdrive - as if proving my worth through giving will somehow fill my own empty cup.

This isn't just my story. In my work with families over the past decade, I've seen this pattern repeat itself countless times. We're so afraid of being seen as needy that we've forgotten how to have needs at all.

But true giving requires two open hearts - one to give and one to receive. When we give with an extended arm, keeping others at a distance, we're not really giving at all. We're just maintaining the illusion of not needing anyone.

The Generational Cost of False Independence

What are we really teaching our kids when we refuse to ask for help?

You might think you're showing them strength. Independence. Resilience. But let me challenge that for a moment.

What they're actually learning:

• That needing others is shameful

• That being human means hiding your struggles

• That love means exhausting yourself for others while refusing support

Let's talk about the entitled child phenomenon for a moment. When parents over-give, they're not actually teaching generosity. They're teaching that someone should always be available to fulfill needs - often at the expense of their own wellbeing. Is it any wonder these kids grow up expecting the world to revolve around them?

But here's the flip side: Some children, watching their parents suffer in silence, grow up terrified of needing anyone. They build walls so high that even love has trouble getting in.

Our children don't need us to be superhuman. They need us to be real. They need to see that strength isn't about doing it all alone - it's about knowing when to reach out.

The real danger isn't in needing others. It's in pretending we don't.

When we create families built on the myth of self-sufficiency:

• We exhaust ourselves trying to maintain an impossible standard

• We rob our children of seeing healthy interdependence in action

• We perpetuate the cycle of isolation disguised as independence

Now, there's a world of difference between being self-accountable and being self-sufficient. We can take responsibility for our lives while still acknowledging that we need others.

That’s not just healthy - it's human.

Breaking the Cycle: From Isolation to Connection

True strength isn't:

• Having all the answers

• Never needing help

• Being everyone's superhero while neglecting yourself

True strength is:

• Knowing when your cup is empty

• Having the courage to ask for support

• Teaching your children through example that humans need humans

I've noticed something in my observation of families: The most resilient ones aren't those who "need" the least. They're the ones who've mastered the art of asking for and receiving help gracefully.

Here's what that looks like in practice:

Instead of saying "I've got this" when you're drowning, try:

• "I could use some support with..."

• "Would you be willing to help me think this through?"

• "I need a hand with this - are you available?"

The Magic of Vulnerability: When you open yourself to receiving, something you create space for authentic connections. Your children learn that strength and vulnerability aren't opposites - they're partners.

Would you rather your child grow up to be:

• Someone who burns out trying to do it all alone?

• Or someone who knows how to build and nurture supportive relationships?

If you find yourself constantly giving, ask yourself:

• Am I giving from my overflow or from my reserves?

• Is my giving creating genuine connection or maintaining distance?

• What am I afraid would happen if I asked for help instead?

Over-giving isn't generosity - it's often a shield against vulnerability.

The Path Forward:

1. Start small with asking for help

2. Notice when you're giving to avoid receiving

3. Model healthy interdependence for your children

4. Celebrate moments of genuine connection

5. Build a community based on mutual support, not transaction

We're not meant to do this alone. Every time you have the courage to ask for help, you're not just helping yourself - you're giving others permission to do the same.

The Fine Line: Understanding Needs vs. Being "Needy"

How do we embrace having genuine needs without being seen as “needy?

Because here's what's happening:

• Genuine needs are getting confused with entitlement

• People with real needs suffer in silence to avoid judgment

• Those who take advantage make it harder for those truly in need

Needing oxygen isn't being needy - it's being human. The same thing goes for our need for connection, support, and community.

Signs You're Dealing with Genuine Needs:

• The need comes from a place of authenticity, not manipulation

• You're willing to reciprocate and contribute when you can

• The goal is connection, not dependency

• You take responsibility for your life while acknowledging interdependence

Signs of Unhealthy Neediness:

• Using guilt or manipulation to get attention

• Taking without ever giving back

• Creating crises to force others to help

• Refusing to take responsibility for yourself

Sometimes those who appear the most "together" are suffering the most.

Why?

Because they're so afraid of appearing needy that they've disconnected from their genuine needs entirely.

I used to pride myself on never asking for help, and sometimes I still do. "I've got this," was my mantra. But was I really protecting my independence, or was I just terrified of being seen as needy? The truth was, I was so afraid of being labeled "needy" that I'd swung to the opposite extreme - denial of basic human needs.

• Having needs doesn't make you needy

• Asking for help doesn't make you weak

• Being human doesn't make you a burden

Those who can openly acknowledge their needs can have the healthiest relationships.

Why?

Because they're operating from a place of truth, not fear.

It's not about whether you have needs - we all do. It's about how you handle them:

• Do you acknowledge them honestly?

• Can you ask for help directly?

• Are you willing to both give and receive?

The goal isn't to need less. It's to need authentically, ask clearly, and connect genuinely.

Teaching Our Children the Power of Authentic Needs

What our children actually need to learn:

• Having needs is part of being human

• Asking for help builds stronger relationships

• True strength lies in knowing when to reach out

The New Narrative We Need to Share:

Instead of saying: "I don't need any help, I can do it myself"

Try: "I'd love some help. Working together makes things better."

When receiving help, model gratitude: "Thank you for helping. It means a lot to me."

The Distinction: Teach them that needing help isn't about being helpless - it's about being human. That asking for support isn't weakness - it's wisdom.

Creating Safe Spaces for Needs:

1. Celebrate when they ask for help

2. Share stories of times you needed support

3. Point out how helping others makes us feel good

4. Discuss the difference between wants and needs

5. Model healthy asking and receiving

Every time you authentically ask for help, you're giving your child permission to do the same.

Finding Balance: Parents as Leaders, Not Burdens

Let me be crystal clear about something: This isn't about turning your children into your therapists or best friends. That's not healthy for anyone.

Being vulnerable with your children doesn't mean:

• Making them your emotional support system

• Treating them as peer confidants

• Burdening them with adult problems

• Declaring them your "best friend"

When parents lean too heavily on their children for emotional support, they're not being vulnerable - they're being irresponsible. Your child needs you to be their parent, not their best friend.

The Critical Balance:

• Yes, show them it's okay to need help

• No, don't make them responsible for your wellbeing

• Yes, let them see you work through challenges

• No, don't make them your primary support system

As Parents, Our Job Is To:

• Build adult support networks for ourselves

• Model healthy relationships with peers

• Keep appropriate boundaries

• Stay in our role as guides and protectors

Think about it this way: Your child watching you ask another adult for help is beautiful modeling. Your child becoming your main source of emotional support is role reversal - and it's damaging.

Being a parent is a big enough role on its own. You don't need to be your child's best friend - they need you to be their parent. They need you strong, supported, and steady. This means having your own support system of peers, mentors, and professionals when needed.

Your vulnerability with your children should always serve their growth, not your needs. Show them how to ask for help by asking other adults for help. Show them how to build community by building your own.

Because at the end of the day, the goal isn't just to raise helpers - it's to raise healthy adults who understand both strength and vulnerability, independence and interconnection, giving and receiving.

This is how we break cycles. This is how we build stronger families. This is how we lead.

The Heart of Real Leadership

At the end of the day, this isn't just about asking for help. It's about something much bigger - it's about raising a generation that understands true strength.

Real leaders don't pretend to be superhuman. They build strong networks. They know when to lean in and when to reach out. They understand that being supported actually makes them better supporters.

And isn't that what we want for our children? Not to be isolated islands of false independence, but to be connected, contributing members of a community who know how to:

• Give without depleting themselves

• Receive without shame

• Lead without pretense

• Connect without losing boundaries

Because the truth is, the strongest families aren't built on the myth of self-sufficiency. They're built on the foundation of real human connection - messy, beautiful, and absolutely essential.

That's not just good parenting. That's good humanity.