The Spanish secret that changed how I parent

There's an interesting quirk in Spanish that's been messing with my mind lately. As I'm diving deeper into the language, I've noticed something fascinating about how they express certain ideas.

Take hunger, for example. In English, we say "I am hungry." But in Spanish? It's "Tengo hambre" - literally, "I have hunger."

It's not just hunger either. Ask a Spanish speaker how old they are, and they'll tell you how many years they have, not how old they are.

At first, I brushed it off as just another linguistic oddity. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized: this tiny difference in phrasing represents a big shift in perspective.

When we say "I am hungry," we're defining our entire being by a temporary state. But "I have hunger"? That's just acknowledging a passing condition.

It got me thinking: how often do we do this in English? How often do we define ourselves - and worse, our children - by temporary states or challenges?

This isn't just about grammar or learning a new language. It's about the power of words to shape our reality, our identity, and our children's perceptions of themselves.

Think about it:

• How many times have you heard (or said) "I'm bad at math"?

• How often do we label kids as "shy" or "troublemakers"?

• What happens when we tell ourselves "I'm not a morning person" or "I'm not creative"?

These aren't just harmless phrases. They're identity statements. And they're limiting.

I'd like to explore how the words we use - about ourselves and our kids - shape who we become. We'll dig into why labels can trap us, how tweaking our vocabulary can change our parenting game, and some real-world ways to make our words work for us, not against us.

This isn't about perfecting your grammar. It's about giving yourself and your children room to become who they're meant to be, without the baggage of limiting language.

Let's consider some common labels we often hear:

• "She has ADHD"

• "He's not college material"

• "That's the class clown"

• "I'm just not tech-savvy"

These might seem like simple observations, but they're far from harmless. Let me share two stories that illustrate the lasting impact of labels.

First, there's a podcast guest I recently listened to. As a child, he was labeled as having "special needs" - a label that shaped his entire educational journey and self-perception. The impact was so severe that by age 11, believing he wouldn't amount to anything anyway, he joined a gang looking for belonging. He saw this group as already having a capped future and felt he'd fit in there.

Luckily, there was something in his path and in his parents that helped steer him in the right direction, though not without some hard lessons. Looking back now, he can see how these labels almost robbed him of a future and a life - and literally took the lives of some of the gang member friends he left behind.

Then, there's someone I've known since childhood. She was held back in second grade, and that single event stuck with her well into adulthood. For years, she'd say, "I'm not that smart" and feel incredibly negative about her learning abilities.

These labels - "special needs" and "not smart enough" - became self-fulfilling prophecies.

My childhood friend's story particularly illustrates this point. Despite being successful in various careers, she always hit a self-imposed ceiling. Whenever she approached a level that required higher education, she'd stop and find another job. Even when others saw her potential and encouraged her to advance, she'd shy away, haunted by the fear of failing in school.

The label she'd been given as a child - "not smart enough" - had become her identity. She believed math was her weak point, that school was just harder for her. And these beliefs limited her, keeping her in what she thought was her lane, even as others saw her true potential.

This is the insidious power of labels. They don't just describe us - they define us, often in ways that limit our potential and shape our futures.

Here's why labels like these are so dangerous:

1. They stick around. That "special needs" label and second-grade experience colored these individuals' entire school experience and self-perception for decades.

2. They oversimplify. In the podcast guest's case, it turned out he had dyslexia. He didn't need "special" education - he needed teachers who understood how to work with different learning styles.

3. They become excuses and self-imposed limitations. "I'm just not good at reading" or "Math is my weak point" became reasons to avoid challenges, rather than opportunities to grow.

4. They blind us to potential. By focusing on perceived weaknesses, both individuals (and those around them) missed seeing their unique strengths and abilities.

5. They limit our choices. My childhood friend repeatedly turned down opportunities for advancement, trapped by her belief that she wasn't "smart enough" for higher education. The podcast guest nearly threw away his future by joining a gang.

This is why I don't subscribe to the concept of "learning disabilities." Instead, I prefer the term "learning differences." It's not just semantics - it's a fundamental shift in perspective that has helped countless parents I've worked with see their children's untapped potential.

But these stories also show us something powerful: It's never too late to challenge and change our labels.

The podcast guest reframed his perspective, viewing his brain as working differently rather than being disabled. This shift opened up new possibilities and approaches to learning, leading him away from a life of crime and towards success.

My childhood friend, at 45 years old, finally pushed past those old labels. She's now in a double master's program, a straight-A scholarship student, beaming with pride. It's an amazing "Aha!" moment, and witnessing her journey from that labeled child to this confident adult is truly inspiring.

So, how do we avoid falling into the label trap? Here are some strategies:

• Focus on specific behaviors and skills, not general traits

• Use language that emphasizes growth and learning, not fixed abilities

• Challenge labels when you hear them - especially those given by authority figures

• Encourage exploration beyond perceived limitations

Remember, words have power. Most of the trauma I see in adults stems not from physical injuries, but from the words said to them as children - words they internalized and believed.

Every label we accept is a future we're choosing. 

Embracing a Growth Mindset Through Language

The words we use don't just describe our reality - they shape it. This is where the power of a growth mindset comes in, and it all starts with language.

The magic of "yet"

One tiny word can make a world of difference. Consider these two statements:

• "I can't do this."

• "I can't do this... yet."

That three-letter addition transforms a statement of defeat into one of possibility. It acknowledges the current struggle while leaving the door wide open for future success.

Other growth-oriented phrases to try:

• "I'm still learning" instead of "I'm not good at this"

• "This is challenging, but I'm improving" instead of "This is too hard"

• "Mistakes help me learn" instead of "I failed"

The Spanish Perspective: "Having" vs "Being"

Remember that Spanish linguistic quirk we mentioned earlier? Let's dive deeper into how this "having" vs "being" perspective can revolutionize our approach to emotions and experiences.

Linguistic deep dive

As stated earlier In Spanish, instead of saying

"I am hungry," they say "Tengo hambre" - "I have hunger."

They "have" years instead of "being" a certain age.

They "have" cold rather than "being" cold.

This isn't just a grammatical difference. It's a whole different way of relating to our experiences.

Emotions as visitors, not identities

When we say "I am angry," we're equating our entire being with that emotion. But "I have anger"? That creates distance. It acknowledges the emotion without letting it define us.

This perspective can be incredibly freeing. It reminds us that emotions are temporary states, not permanent identities.

Applying this to parenting

Now, let's bring this into our parenting language:

Instead of: "My child is difficult" Try: "My child is experiencing difficulty"

Instead of: "She's an angry kid" Try: "She's dealing with anger right now"

Instead of: "He's hyperactive" Try: "He has a lot of energy to express"

See the difference? We're not denying the challenges. We're just framing them as temporary states rather than fixed traits.

This shift in language opens up possibilities. It reminds us - and our kids - that challenges are things we face, not who we are.

And things we face?

Those can change.

By adopting this "having" vs "being" mindset, we give our children (and ourselves) the gift of fluidity. We're not stuck being any one thing.

We're human beings, constantly growing, changing, and yes, sometimes struggling.

But those struggles? They're just visitors. They don't define us or our children. And with the right language, we can remind ourselves of that powerful truth every single day.

Let's put these ideas into action. Here are some concrete steps you can take this week:

5 Language Shifts to Try This Week:

1. Instead of "I can't...", say "I'm learning to..."

2. Replace "This is too hard" with "This is challenging, but I'm improving"

3. Switch "I'm not good at this" to "I haven't mastered this yet"

4. Instead of "I failed", try "I learned what doesn't work"

5. Replace "I'm so stupid" with "I made a mistake, and that's okay"

Challenge: Track Your Language for 24 Hours

For one full day, pay close attention to your words. Note every time you use limiting language about yourself or your children. At the end of the day, review your notes. You might be surprised at how often these phrases slip into your vocabulary.

How can you reframe one of your child's "problems" as a unique strength?

For example, a child who's "too talkative" might be reframed as "a gifted communicator". A "daydreamer" could be seen as "imaginative and creative".

Take a moment to consider one of your child's challenges. How might it be a strength in disguise?

The words we use have the power to shape our reality and our children's futures. By shifting our language, we can open up a world of possibility and growth.

Remember:

• Labels can limit, but intentional language can liberate

• A growth mindset starts with the words we choose

• Viewing challenges as temporary states rather than fixed traits can transform our approach to difficulties

This week, let's choose our words as carefully as we choose our children's nutrition. What seeds are you planting with your language?

Are you nurturing self-doubt or self-belief? Limitation or possibility? Fixed traits or potential for growth?

The choice is yours. And it starts with your very next sentence.

So, what will you say?

and if you’re looking for a fun and illustrative way to “reframe” challenges, check out my book “I’m A Winner Because I Am” below. Honestly, it’s great for adults just as much as it was written with children in mind.

It’s a part of my Because I Am Series. Thanks to all of you who have ordered your paperback copy recently released. There is also an e-version as well.