The Trauma Loop: Why I Banned Slave Movies and Juneteenth from My Home

This week I got some really distressing news from a friend. Something awful happened to her, and honestly, when she called me that first day, she was in a state. And she had every right to be, based on what happened to her.

But here's the thing - something remarkable happened the second day. When I checked in on her, I could hear that she was already distancing herself from that awful incident. She was remembering who she truly is, beyond what happened to her.

Now, I'm not saying it's going to be easy. In the coming weeks, she'll go in and out of these cycles. But we both understand how important it is to never identify too closely with the underdog or victim part of ourselves. Even when life throws some serious crap at us, we can't let that define us.

It's like this - how you see yourself today determines how tomorrow goes, and the day after that, and the day after that.

My friend? She's already realizing how much she could actually offer other people because of what she went through. That's the kind of thinking that helps you thrive, not just survive.

So why am I bringing this up? Because it's got me thinking about how we deal with our history, especially the painful parts. We've got to find a way to acknowledge the tough stuff without letting it become our whole identity. It's a balancing act, for sure, but it's one we've got to figure out if we want to move forward.

Rethinking Historical Commemorations

So, Juneteenth just passed, and I've got to say, I'm not a fan of it AT ALL.

While we're at it, I'm not big on Black History Month or Women's History Month either. Now, before you come at me, it's not because I don't think these folks are worth acknowledging.

It's because our contributions are way GREATER than what can fit in a highlighted month, and the way these are usually celebrated? It's generally from the perspective of the underdog.

Take Juneteenth. As a so-called Black American, I detest it.

We're basically marking a day when some of our enslaved ancestors found out they were free way after everyone else.

Is that really what we want to focus on year after year? I mean, how long are we going to celebrate going back to slavery, shackles, and chains, walking in the street sorrowful, crying, heart bleeding? Or maybe even worse, rejoicing in the streets as if we were "just freed".

The Impact of Media Representation

I also pay close attention to what we watch in addition to what we read.

Y'all, I don't watch slave movies. Once I realized what a setback that was and the emotional recovery it requires, I was done. Think about it - you're constantly watching images of people you identify with in bondage, being beaten, hanged, treated like garbage. How do you think you'll feel about yourself after those movies?

It's not just movies either. It's everywhere. TV shows, news, and ESPECIALLY so-called educational content. It's like we're stuck in a trauma loop, and we're expected to just shake it off and go about our day.

Here's the thing - avoiding this stuff isn't about ignoring history. It's about protecting your mental health. It's about making space for stories that show us as whole people, not just victims or survivors. We need more media that shows us living, loving, achieving, just being normal folks.

That's the kind of representation that can actually make a difference.

Celebrating Contributions Beyond Designated Months

Every time I look out into the world, I see things we've contributed to. Science, the alphabet, mathematics - a lot of that came from great Egypt and parts of Africa like Ethiopia. When you listen to pop music, you're listening to gospel. Country, R&B, jazz, rhythm and blues, rock - all of that has origins in black music. Yes, even country music, because that comes from Americana, which comes from blues.

We have so many contributions, but the ones we see mostly are our contributions of pain. It's just so inadequate, so inaccurate, and so incomplete.

Oh, and a month to celebrate women?

Please. Every human being came through the womb of a woman. 

A month is laughable.

Women birthed the world. That surely must count for something…

I'm sure some will say I'm misunderstanding the point and not looking at it correctly.

To this I would ask, have you ever dressed up like a slave for a school grade?

The Persistence of Limited Historical Narratives

Let me take you back to my 5th-grade book report. Picture this: a classroom full of black kids, all dressed up as slaves or slain heroes. These were our choices from our library at our predominantly black school. There's little me, going the extra mile with raggedy clothes and dirt on my face, playing Harriet Tubman.

My white teacher's standing there, probably thinking she's doing something great. I got a 97 on that report - still wondering where those other 3 points went.

Maybe 'cause I wasn't barefoot?

Now let me pose the question:

Would this work in a white school? 

I don't think you need to answer that question. I think we all know how this would go down with a bunch of white kids reenacting slaves.

Better yet, how would their white parents feel knowing their children were encouraged to be slaves for a grade?

Did you know there were white slaves at the same time there were black slaves?

Yes, during Thomas Jefferson's presidency, he actively paid ransom to Northern Africans who often captured ships carrying Europeans and white Americans. Many of them were sold into slavery (men, women, and children) by the millions into the Arab slave trade. It was illegal for Muslims to enslave other Muslims, so Europeans and by then many White Americans were hijacked from ships and coastal towns and sold.

Also in the early years of colonialism, it is said that over 300,000 Irish were sent as slaves and Indentured Servants to the Caribbean. They had an awful fate and there's barely a trace that they were ever there. Never mind that most white "indentured servants" in the continental U.S. barely lived out their contracts, since most renewed without prospects for a future or died from physical labor and disease.

Why isn't this taught in the schools alongside colonialism, black slavery, and Asiatic Native American genocide?

They say the winner writes the history book and sets the tone they want the people to remember to tell over and over again.

Did you know the average person on public assistance in the U.S.A. is a white woman? 

The average child in foster care at 44%, in the U.S.A. is a white child. 

Actually, the friend who called in distress was one of them. She's quite open about it as an adult. She made it clear that she was better off "outside" of her dangerous and dysfunctional home and was instead raised in Black homes in Chicago until she was emancipated at 19 years old.

Imagine that?

Life, it turns out, is a challenge for people of all varieties and it's all about if and how you rise from trauma and not from your color or gender, in today's age that gives you the advantage.

But now is the day where it seems there is a race to the bottom to hold the prize for the "worst of the worst" title.

A huge reason I homeschooled was to keep my children far away from this kind of competition.

The Impact on Children's Self-Perception

Let me tell you, this stuff hits differently when you're a parent. I couldn't send my daughters to school with their beautiful brown skin, knowing what they'd be taught about the history of "black" people in America. 

Imagine a little kid, sitting in class, hearing for the first time that people who look like them were in shackles, then pretty much in bondage, segregated, forced against their will, and are still struggling.

Year after year, that's the story they hear in their classrooms.

What do you think that does to their self-perception and self-esteem?

Even in choosing from homeschool curriculums, I struggled to find something that highlighted different cultures in a well-rounded way. Most of them were centered around war history, as if that's all humans have ever done. Even the Christian-based ones.

And don't get me started on the 8th-grade language arts curriculum I scrapped the moment I reviewed the reading list.

Fast forward to 2024, and guess what? Not much has changed from my 1988 public school library book collection. The 8th-grade curriculum I saw for my daughter? Same old stories. It's like we're stuck in a time loop, telling the same sad tales over and over.

I landed right back into my 5th-grade class with the same list of "slave, former slaves and slain activists" books for their year on "African American History".

I was like, nope, not for my daughters.

Breaking the Cycle: Alternative Education Approaches

So, when I hit that 8th-grade curriculum full of slave narratives, I knew we needed a change. Instead of having my daughter read about pain and struggle, I said, "Kaja, you're gonna take what you learned in language arts and grammar and write your own book." 

And she did.

She officially became a published author before I did.

I was in a compilation book the year prior, but she wrote and published her own full book first.

At 12 years old she wrote and published "Because Kids Can Scuba Dive". 

Kaja was certified in Scuba Diving at 10, so she wrote a children's picture book taking a 10-year-old through the process of how it works. She also published a kid's Scuba Diving Log Book. You can find them on Amazon and other online book platforms.

We didn't stop there. I threw in some personal development books for us to read as a family - you know, "Rich Dad Poor Dad," "Atomic Habits," that kind of stuff. We read James Allen's "As a Man Thinketh" and Napoleon Hill's "Think and Grow Rich." Why? Because I want my girls to think about building generational wealth, not generational trauma.

And hey, we didn't ignore other cultures. We dove into African and Asian mythology and legends and a host of other books.

We curated her experience based on her needs so that she could start to experiment with her potential in real time.

Instead of learning about war, shackles, bondage, and sit-ins, none of which would help her with her own story and future potential, she learned about story creation, picking editors and illustrators, and how to self-publish. 

Talk about useful skills!

Raising Children Beyond Racial Expectations

Let me tell you about this conversation I had years ago. Someone asked me, "What are you going to do raising two girls especially with them being melanated?" 

I try to assume this white woman was well-intentioned, but I had to ask for clarification because, honestly, what kind of question is that?

My response?

I'm gonna raise them just like I'd raise any child - to the best of my ability. Not because they're girls, not because they have brown skin, but because they deserve it. Period.

Now, flip side of this coin. I had a white friend who was devastated when she realized she was having a white boy. She felt like her contribution to the world was going to be pain and suffering for others, given his perceived "status".

I told her straight up: "You're a mother. You're raising a beautiful child who hasn't done anything wrong but be born. If you treat him like the enemy, don't be surprised if he starts acting like one. And if you treat him like a savior, don't be surprised when he starts looking down on people."

Bottom line? Kids are kids. They deserve love, support, and the chance to become their best selves, regardless of their skin color. Let's not burden them with our baggage.

Constantly revisiting this trauma isn't helping anyone. It's like picking at a scab and wondering why the wound won't heal. We need to acknowledge our history, sure, but we don't need to live in it and suffocate our kids with it.

It's time to move forward in our journey.

The Hero's Journey

Now, let's talk about this hero's journey thing. It's not just some fancy literary term - it's a roadmap for personal growth. Basically, it goes like this: you start in your ordinary world, get a call to adventure, face challenges, hit rock bottom, then rise up stronger than ever.

Sound familiar? It should, 'cause we're all living it.

Think about it - our ancestors (no matter the color or country) went through their hero's journey. They faced unimaginable challenges and came out the other side. But here's the kicker - their journey doesn't have to be our whole story. We're on our own hero's journeys now.

When we look at history through this lens, it changes things. Those struggles? They're not the end of the story - they're just part of the journey. It's not about staying in the "trials and tribulations" phase. It's about recognizing our potential to overcome, to transform.

Understanding this can flip our perspective on challenges. Instead of seeing ourselves as perpetual underdogs, we can see ourselves as heroes in the making. And let me tell you, that's a whole lot more empowering than any month-long celebration of past pain.

Look, I'm not saying we should ignore our past. But what we bring from it is way more important in how our future takes shape.

Constantly revisiting the pain, tyranny, and suffering part of it, expecting our future to be different?

We've got to do better for our kids and show them their potential instead of just their ancestors' pain. That's the kind of education I'm after.

Seeing Potential, Not Pain

What we need is for people to see our potential, not our pain. If you want to help out black and brown folks, women, or whoever else, help them see their potential. That doesn't come from reminding them of their dark past over and over again.

We're all going through a hero's journey. Sometimes we're in the downturn, sure. But what we need is for people to see our potential and not constantly remind us of our pain. Let's focus on where we're going, not where we've been. Because trust me, we've got places to go and things to do that are way more interesting than reliving the past.

Remember, occasionally we are all in that underdog space. But it's just a phase, not our whole story. So let's write some new chapters, shall we?

Constantly revisiting this trauma isn't helping anyone. It's like picking at a scab and wondering why the wound won't heal. We need to acknowledge our history, sure, but we don't need to live in it. It's time to move forward, folks in a positive, proactive, and promising way.