How to "Unstuck" Yourself

"Newsflash: Getting over yourself is the first step to getting anywhere worth going. - Azizi Tuere

So I'm down to the final bits and pieces of finishing these kids' books and wow, there are so many moving parts to publishing a book. The writing of the book feels like it took minutes compared to all the other things that need to be done to successfully launch and sell books.

Along the way, I felt

• frustration,

• failure,

• and a whole lot of “stuckness” when I couldn't figure out what to do next.

This week was no exception. As I wait for the editing and book covers to come back, I kind of just felt a little useless because I could tell I was missing something but couldn't figure out what. Also after being so active for so long it felt a little empty to not be “doing” rather than “being” or even celebrating how far I’ve come. And no matter how many times I went over my list of what I did, it didn't give me many clues about what to do while I waited.

Then, all of a sudden, a friend contacts me and wants to have a talk about something she's working through. Suddenly, I felt so happy to have friends with "needs."

If you are a person who is often confided in, sometimes, especially when you're knee-deep in your own stuff, the last thing you really want is to help someone else.

But you know? I've learned that in many ways it's exactly what you need. One of the easiest ways to "get over yourself" is to help someone else "get over themselves." Here's why:

• Mulling over dead-end thoughts leads nowhere.

• It's not giving up, it's getting up.

• When you give a seed space and time, it naturally grows anyway.

What You'll Learn in This Issue:

• Understanding "Feeling Stuck": What does it really mean, and why does it happen?

• The Power of Helping Others: How assisting someone else can propel you forward.

• The Benefits of Being a Confidante: Why this role can be a gift to both you and others.

The Deeper Meaning of Feeling Stuck

What Does It Mean to Feel Stuck? Feeling stuck often means you're unsure of your next steps. It’s like being caught in a loop, unable to move forward.

• Part of Life's Cycle: Remember, feeling stuck is natural. Life isn’t always a straight path.

• A Sign of Growth: It often indicates that you’re on the brink of a new stage in your personal development.

Why Do We Get Stuck? There are many reasons, but common ones include fear, lack of clarity, and feeling overwhelmed.

• The Brain as a Problem-Solving Machine: Our brains are wired to solve problems. When we're stuck, our brains feel like they're failing because they aren't meeting their usual goals. This constant loop of indecision can be more frustrating than making a wrong decision because our brains crave resolution and a sense of accomplishment.

Helping Others to Help Yourself

It's interesting seeing my friend's darkness and feeling her frustration and that sense of being alone, feeling like no one gets her. At the same time, I could see she was on the brink of discovery. She knew more than she was giving herself credit for, and just being able to speak with me, given that I had experience in the area she was overwhelmed in, helped her feel lighter. It reminded me of how easy it is to overcomplicate issues in our lives.

The brain's desire to solve things can make problems seem worse than they are, just so it can go on a hunt to solve them and feel safer. Sometimes, there really isn't anything to solve at all, just the acknowledgment that you're in a place you've never been before. Looking back, you realize how much you thought you knew, discovering you don't really know much at all.

And sometimes, just realizing that what you thought you knew didn't matter as much as knowing how little you know and being comfortable with that is freeing, though not in the moment.

But just know It has nothing to do with being ignorant but everything to do with not needing to have all the answers all the time.

Why Helping Others Works When you help someone else, you gain a new perspective on your own problems, by looking at them from the outside instead of knee deep and in over your head. It’s like a breath of fresh air for your mind and your body.

• You Know More Than You Think: You might not have all the answers for yourself, but you can often see solutions for others. That helps your brain relax and feel safe enough to let go of the “problem” to allow room for the next step to arise without so much urgency.

• Creating a Connection: Helping others builds empathy and reminds you of your own strengths and ability to really be there for another.

• Breaking the Loop: Assisting someone else takes your mind off your own problems, breaking the constant loop of dead-end indecision. This can provide relief and sometimes the solution you're seeking comes to you when you're not under pressure.

Being able to be in the company of someone who has experienced what you're going through is invaluable. When they can say, "I get it," it makes those moments of “stuckness” feel less stuck.

Talking with my friend, I could feel her weight lifting as we shared our experiences. That sharing was more important than solving. Just knowing you could not know and let go felt really good.

When I got off the call, I felt lighter. Even though she had poured out A LOT of deep stuff, it didn't feel heavy because I understood her. Reflecting on my past experiences, I felt appreciative for having been through similar challenges.

For the next two days after helping my friend, I just kind of relaxed and let go of needing to do things. Then, I woke up two days later with exactly the thing I needed to do.

I got down to it more quickly than if I had continued to sit there trying to force it. Breezing through it almost felt ridiculous that I felt stuck in the first place. But I smirked at myself because I know that's just how it is when you move away from something you’ve been given more attention than it’s worth, which is most of our “problems”.

The brain knows it can solve it. It wasn’t anything so complicated that I couldn't do or find a way to do or find someone to help me with. Just moving out of it made it clearer how much of a “non-issue” it was.

The Gift of Being a Confidante

Why It's Valuable Being there for someone else shows you your own value and capabilities.

• Seeing Your Worth: Helping others makes you realize the knowledge and skills you have.

• Building Trust: Being a confidante strengthens your relationships.

• The Brain's Reward System: Helping someone else can give your brain that "job well done" feeling, which boosts your mood and confidence.

Making Room to Receive When you share your experiences and knowledge, you make room for new insights and opportunities.

• Clearing Out the Clutter: Sharing helps you let go of underutilized information.

• Upgrading Your Skills: Teaching others reinforces your own understanding, even if it seems unrelated, it’s still relevant underneath.

• Gaining New Perspectives: Seeing problems from another angle can spark solutions for your own challenges.

Practical Steps to Help Others and Yourself

1. Make Room to Receive When you help someone else, you clear out mental space, making room for new ideas and solutions.

2. Let Go of Dormant Information By sharing what you know, you put unused knowledge to good use, benefiting someone else and freeing up your mind.

3. Get an Upgrade Teaching or helping someone with something you've already overcome deepens your own understanding and skills.

4. Build Empathy Helping others increases your empathy, making you more connected and attuned to those around you.

5. Gain New Perspectives Seeing a problem from someone else's point of view can spark solutions for your own challenges.

6. Strengthen Relationships Being a confidante builds stronger, more trusting relationships, providing emotional support both ways.

7. Boost Your Confidence Helping others successfully can boost your confidence in your own abilities.

Giving from the Heart, Not the Ego

When you help others, it's important to do it from a place of genuine care, not from a desire to feel superior or self-important.

Savior Complex: Some people go looking for problems to fix when they cannot solve things in their own lives. In that situation, you're more like a predator, preying on someone and using them as a host to feel self-important. It’s necessary to know the difference, and it can be described in one word: honor.

Many people have what I might call a savior complex. They are on a mission to save and fix others. But no one needs saving, and no one needs fixing. There are times when people need to be in the presence of someone who can help them work through something, listen, or just acknowledge that there is an issue without actually needing to do anything else.

Honor in Helping: True help honors both the giver and the receiver. It’s not about fulfilling your own needs at the expense of another’s dignity.

Are your actions honoring both yourself and the other person?

If they are only making you feel good about yourself, then you are not giving; you are taking. The help needs to honor the other person as much as it honors you. This reciprocity is why both my friend and I could feel a release in that exchange. We were equally acknowledging that some things we just won't know or may never know, and we had to be comfortable with that.

In our exchange, neither of us was trying to be needy or a fixer. More than anything, I could just hear that she needed to be acknowledged.

I helped her understand that I’ve been there, and here’s what I explained to her that I realized on the other side of it: 

It wasn't actually that odd or out of place. It was just unfamiliar, and sometimes that's what makes things feel hard. When it feels unfamiliar, it feels unsafe. But that doesn’t mean it’s new, and it doesn’t mean it hasn't happened to someone else or that it won’t happen to you again.

It just means that in that moment, it's out of the ordinary for the way you've been living and experiencing life.

Why Motivation Matters 

When you help others, it's important to do it from a place of genuine care, not from a desire to feel superior or self-important.

• Savior Complex: Some people go looking for problems to fix as a way to avoid their own issues. This isn’t true help; it’s using others to feel accomplished.

• Honor in Helping: True help honors both the giver and the receiver. It’s not about fulfilling your own needs at the expense of another’s dignity.

The One Word:

Honor The key to knowing if you're genuinely helping is honor. Are your actions honoring both yourself and the other person? If it's only about making yourself feel good, then it's not true giving.

Ways to Know You’re Giving from a Place of Honor:

1. Empathy: You genuinely understand and feel the other person’s struggles.

2. Respect: You respect their journey and don’t impose your solutions on them.

3. Listening: You listen more than you speak, providing a safe space for them to express themselves.

4. Support: You offer support and encouragement, not just advice.

5. Reciprocity: The interaction feels balanced, with both parties feeling valued and respected.

I'm grateful for those experiences that came through helping someone else and giving myself a little (ok A LOT) less self-importance. Sometimes we give too much importance to ourselves and our experiences.

Then, we look out into the world and see we're not alone. We're not special for having problems or things we need to work through that we may not have solutions for. Some issues might not be solved for a millennia. What do you do then?

I don’t have all the answers for those hard, awful things in the world that hit me in my heart and often bring tears to my eyes. Just realizing I can't solve that for anyone helps.

Knowing this is a part of life and that we were brought here to deal with challenges from the smallest to the most complicated and to do so gracefully, even in the depths of the darkest parts of it, is the magic trick.

So, if we could give a little less importance to our issues, let go of them, and not take so much ownership over them, we can let them go. I often think that a lot of the human experience comes from a lack of wanting to let go.

Let go, I say.

Let go, and you will realize that the things you're fighting about, worrying about, wanting to solve, or fix don't need fixing or solving.

They need you to detach from their importance. This is easier said than done, but what if we all try it, more of the time.

The Power of Giving and Receiving

Helping others when you're feeling stuck is like hitting a reset button. It shifts your focus, clears your mind, and often leads to breakthroughs you couldn’t see before. It’s a reminder that we’re all connected and that our growth is intertwined with the growth of those around us.

Call to Action

Next time you’re feeling stuck, allow yourself to be open and available to help someone else. You might just find that in helping them, you’re helping yourself too.