Why You Will Change

The Stark Reality: Unhappiness and Regret

• 85% of people worldwide are unhappy with their jobs - Gallup poll

• Only 60% of married individuals report being very happy - National Opinion Research Center, University of Chicago

• 55% of Americans have major regrets about life choices - Allianz Life Insurance Company

• Just 33% of Americans are happy - Harris Poll for the American Psychological Association

A Shift in Perception: London No Longer Feels Like Home It’s 2011, I'm pregnant again, and suddenly, London feels wrong for us. Our West London neighborhood, once perfect, now feels mismatched with my family's needs. We start looking around London, but nothing resonates as home. My gut screams for a change; we decide to leave England. My husband, with no ties to London, begins a global job hunt, receiving offers from Australia, Singapore, the USA. We choose America, New York City, my hometown, where we lived before London.

New York City: Familiar Yet Different NYC, familiar yet different, feels like a return to where it all began. But this time, I’m 7 months pregnant with a toddler in tow. House hunting consumes us within days of arrival. A week in NYC quickly reminds us why it's not for us anymore. We settle in a New Jersey town, a popular haven for former New Yorkers, who finally decided to “make it” anywhere but there. Our new house is big and beautiful, but it doesn’t feel right.

The Perfect Setup, Yet Feeling Lost Despite the perfect setup - great schools, safe streets - I feel more lost than ever. Inside my 'perfect' house, living my ‘perfect’ life, I constantly wonder, why do I feel so out of place?

The Awakening: Realizing a Change in Identity Sometimes, life hits you with a realization – your identity you’ve been wearing doesn't fit anymore. It's an awakening, both confusing and uncomfortable, signaling a need for change.

Navigating Self-Identity Evolution How do you recognize when you've outgrown yourself? This newsletter dives deep into evolving self-identity. We're tackling the tough stuff – identity shifts and personal evolution. It's about understanding the complexities of who we are becoming and exploring strategies to smoothly navigate these identity shifts. Stay with me, and together, we'll journey through the messiness to a new sense of self.

An Outsider in My Own Life: The Discomfort of Familiarity Back in the USA, so close to NYC, yet I feel like an outsider in my own life. The expected comfort feels like wearing someone else's shoes – familiar but not fitting. I realize I'm not missing London, nor am I enjoying my new life. It feels off.

The Misalignment: Living a Life That Doesn't Resonate Everything around me seems 'right', but inside, something is misaligned. I'm living a life that doesn't resonate anymore. This isn't about missing a place; it's a deeper disconnect within me.

Spotting the Signs of Change The move was more than geographical; it was a transformation I didn't see. But, if I'm being honest, there were plenty of signs.

The Uncomfortable Truth About Identity Shifts Sometimes you just know something's not right. It bugs you and takes up a lot of head space. It’s unavoidable and undeniable. It's there, and it's real.

There's something about knowing deep down that things aren't right. For me, it was a constant feeling that wouldn't go away, no matter how much I tried to distract myself from it.

This was really about dealing with it head-on, not beating up on myself, but being honest.

Why?

You don't have the luxury of time to live in denial or avoidance. Denial will rob you of the opportunity to accept change and move into the next and necessary phase waiting for you.

1. Feeling That Nudge? Pay Attention.

   • Ever get that nagging feeling that something's just not right? That's your life's way of nudging you, telling you it's time to pay attention. It's your internal alarm system going off, so don't hit snooze on this one.

2. Look Your Truth in the Eye.

   • It's easy to play hide and seek with your feelings, isn't it? But here's the deal: facing the truth head-on is the real game-changer. It's like standing in front of a mirror and “really” seeing yourself. Time to start confronting what's in front of you.

3. Change: It's Not Just a Buzzword, It's Your Call to Action.

   • So, you're feeling uncomfortable, out of place? Don’t just brush it off. That discomfort is more than just a passing feeling; it's your wake-up call for change. It's your life whispering (or maybe shouting), "Something's gotta give."

Realizing My Identity Had Changed Looking back, I see my move to America was more than a change of address. It was a period of internal transformation. Yet, I was so caught up in my role as a stay-at-home mom, managing everything 'home', that I missed the signs.

How I experience the shift:

1. The Battle Inside: When Change Feels Like Betrayal

   • It feels like you're at war with yourself. That's what inner conflict is all about. Imagine you're evolving, growing into someone new, but there's this voice inside saying, "No, you can't."

   • It feels almost selfish to embrace this new you; like you're betraying your old self or the expectations others have of you.

2. Waking Up to Your True Self: More Than Just a Change of Scenery

   • For me, I kept thinking a new city or a different house would fix things.

   • But this kind of change is more about “who I am” deep down, not “where I am.”

   • Even down to the clothes I was wearing didn't feel like my style anymore.

   But you can sense you're not just looking for a new wardrobe. The changes you’re experiencing are way deeper than just your surroundings – they're about the essence of who you are and who you're becoming.

In an ideal situation, you embrace the inner battle and allow yourself to wake up to your emerging self. Since it's “obviously” a journey worth taking right?

But it’s most likely more like—

Struggling with Guilt and Confusion I felt guilty for not being grateful. I had everything I never had growing up – money, freedom, a beautiful family. Yet, I was angry and confused, struggling to reconcile my emotions with my so-called “privileged” life.

Emotional Turmoil:

1. Guilt Over Unhappiness: It's common to feel guilty for being unhappy when you have so much and even when you don’t.

2. Anger and Confusion: These emotions often come up when your reality doesn't match your expectations.

3. Reconciling Emotions: Understanding that it's okay to feel this way can be a big step in resolving these feelings.

When You Don’t Fit Your Own Life Anymore One day, you wake up and realize the life you've steadily built doesn't feel like yours. It's not just waking up in a strange place; it's waking up as a stranger to yourself.

Feeling Alienated:

1. Waking Up Different: Recognizing that your life doesn't resonate with you anymore.

2. Questioning Everything: Starting to doubt your choices and wondering what's wrong.

3. Family Dynamics: Impact on Family My decisions didn't just affect me; they affected my entire family. When I realized what was happening I had a toddler and a newborn. Talk about an inconvenient time.

   The change can strain family, friends, and even business/work relationships, causing tensions and misunderstandings.

Reacting to Comments About Change As I fell deeper into my transformation, people noticed. Some comments about how I'd changed stung, I felt vulnerable and exposed.

While others felt affirming. The reactions varied, depending on who mentioned it and my feelings about it on any given day.

Navigating Reactions and Feelings:

1. Mixed Responses: Your reaction to comments about change can range from pride to discomfort.

2. Self-Reflection: These reactions offer a window into how you feel about your evolving self.

3. External Validation: Understanding your need for approval or affirmation from others.

Deep Dive into Personal Change: The Unnoticed Shifts

As I was trying to make sense of all the changes going on with me, I kept asking myself:

How come I didn't see this coming sooner?

How we can go through such big changes in who we are and not even notice until it feels like we're in too deep?

Change has to catch us off guard to make its way into our lives. It quietly tweaks how we see things, and how we feel about stuff, without us catching on.

And then, bam! One day, we're right smack in the middle of a full-blown transformation, wondering how we got there. It’s sneaky, this change thing.

Think about squirrels gearing up for winter. They just go for it, gathering nuts, no second thoughts. Us humans? We tend to overthink, resist change, stick to what we know.

Why We Hesitate:

• Instinct vs. Overthinking: Animals just do what they need to survive. We, on the other hand, get stuck in our heads.

• Learning from Instincts: Deep down, we often know what we need to change. Trusting our gut can help us move through uncertainty.

Understanding How We Miss the Signs of Change:

1. Busy Lives: We're often so caught up in the daily grind that we don't stop to reflect on our inner state.

2. Gradual Evolution: Change often happens so gradually that it's hard to notice until it builds up and even overflows to see it.

3. Denial or Resistance: Sometimes, there's a part of us that doesn't want to acknowledge change, leading to denial or resistance.

4. Lack of Self-Reflection: Without regular self-reflection, it's easy to miss the subtle shifts in our thoughts and feelings.

5. External Distractions: We're constantly bombarded with and even seek external stimuli. That will definitely distract us from introspection.

6. Comfort in Consistency: Humans find comfort in consistency, leading you to overlook changes to preserve the “everything’s fine” feeling.

7. Mistaking the Signs: You might be feeling different, but you blame it on the usual suspects like stress or being tired. But this change in your mood is something bigger. It's not just the everyday wear and tear.

Resentment Towards Others and Isolation As my journey intensified, I found myself resenting those who seemed content in lives similar to my previous one. This resentment was more about my confusion and frustration than their choices. It was a reflection of my internal conflict.

Understanding the Resentment:

1. Loneliness in Change: Feeling alienated and misunderstood as you evolve.

2. Resentment as a Reflection: Understanding that resentment can be a mirror of your internal struggles.

3. Comparison Trap: It’s a dangerous game at any time, but especially during changing times to compare your journey to others.

The Loneliness of Transformation During this period, I often withdrew, feeling cold and patronizing towards those who seemed blissfully unaware. It was a lonely time, where I struggled to connect with others or even articulate what I was feeling. Not knowing what I was evolving into and if I would ever get there.

Coping with the Emotional Impact:

1. Withdrawing from Others: It’s completely normal and sometimes necessary to pull away from others during significant changes.

2. Emotional Coldness: Recognize these feelings of detachment are a defense mechanism.

3. Struggle for Articulation: It’s typical to have difficulty in expressing the growing amount of emotions and thoughts associated with internal shifts.

Seeing the Bigger Picture: Navigating Change Change, especially of the self, is complex and deep.

As I was going through this journey, even as I resisted, I knew I needed to allow this change, as a mother and a wife I could see how resisting was negatively impacting my home and even family and friendships.

Embracing the New Self:

1. Accepting Change: Recognizing that change is a natural and necessary part of growth.

2. Impact on Relationships: Pay attention to how your transformation will affect your relationships.

3. Seeking Empathy: Find support and connection with others who understand your journey or who have “been there.”

Recognizing Change Has Crept Up on You Sometimes, change is so subtle that it’s slowly creeping up on you when you least expect it.

Let me walk you through some of these shifts

7 ways change might be happening in your life without you realizing it:

1. Subtle Shifts in Preferences: Suddenly, you find yourself making excuses not to go this or that thing. You know it's not about being busy; it's just that your heart isn't in it anymore.

2. Changing Reactions: You used to shrug off your colleague's endless gossip sessions. Now, they just irk you. It's like your patience for certain things has just evaporated.

3. New Perspectives Emerging: One day, you catch wind of your deeper thoughts and you realize, life's too short to spend in a (fill in the blank) that doesn't fulfill you. This wasn't how you thought about your (fill in the blank) before, was it?

4. Altered Values: You always prioritized financial success, but now? You catch yourself daydreaming about a deeper purpose in life, maybe even volunteering. It's like your inner compass is pointing in a new direction.

5. Discomfort in Familiar Settings: You're at your usual Friday night hangout spot with friends, but instead of laughing along, you feel disconnected, you've outgrown this scene.

6. Evolving Goals and Aspirations: You always wanted to rise through the ranks at your job, but lately, you're fantasizing about starting your own business. It's a shift from seeking status to craving autonomy.

7. Emotional Disconnect: You finally get that promotion you've been chasing for years, but the thrill is short-lived. You wonder why the achievement that once meant everything to you now feels so empty.

These are the telltale signs of change, the little nudges from within saying, "Hey, it's time for something different." Tune into these whispers and acknowledge that it's okay to evolve, to grow, and to seek out new paths that resonate with who you are becoming.

Change isn't just about big life decisions; it's often in these subtle shifts where the real magic of personal growth happens. Explore them, and see where they lead you.

That’s what life's journey is all about.

7 Steps to Handle Change Like a Pro

1. Embrace the In-Between: It's fine not to have all the answers. You're just in transition.

2. Trust Your Gut: If something feels off, listen to that. Your instincts are usually right on the money.

3. Learn from Nature: Just like seasons change naturally, change in our lives is normal and constant.

4. Try Stuff Out: Experiment a bit. You don't have to stick with everything you try, but you might find something you love.

5. Get Comfortable Being Uncomfortable: Change isn't easy, but it's where growth happens.

6. Find Your Support Crew: Surround yourself with people who get it. It makes a huge difference.

7. Keep Checking In With Yourself: Regularly take a step back and think about how you're feeling and what's working for you.

Remember, change doesn't happen overnight. Be good to yourself as you navigate through this.

You're Not Alone in This Loads of us are going through the same thing, thinking we're the only ones. We keep up appearances, but inside, we're struggling.

Dropping the Act:

• It's a Common Struggle: Lots of people are pretending everything's fine when it's not. You're not alone in feeling this way.

• Start the Ripple: By being honest about where you're at, you might just encourage someone else to do the same.

Be the Change Starter

• Inspire Others: Your honesty about your journey could help others feel brave enough to start their own.

• Lead by Example: Show people it's okay to live authentically. It's more than just freeing for you; it can be a game-changer for others too.

Don’t waste time pretending everything's cool when it's not. Get real with yourself and you will inspire others to do the same.

Be brave. Take that first step. See how many others you can bring along for the ride.

Experiencing these shifts is like peeling back layers to find the real you underneath. It's not about being selfish; it's about being true to yourself.

It can be scary and confusing, but it's also incredibly freeing. When you start to see these changes as part of your journey to your true self, everything begins to make more sense.

It's about giving yourself permission to evolve and to step into a life that truly reflects who you are at your core.

We've got this, together.